


A Love That Dare Not Speak its Name

by tinyarmedtrex



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Conversion Camp AU, Eddie is sent away and meets the others, M/M, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting, TW: Conversion Therapy, more tags to be added later, not a happy fic, tw: beating with a belt, tw: religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2020-10-13 12:17:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20582381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyarmedtrex/pseuds/tinyarmedtrex
Summary: When Eddie's mom finds magazines featuring nude men in his room she sends him away to St. Paul’s home for Wayward Youths, a local house that runs a conversion therapy program. While there he meets Richie, another boy sent way to be 'cured of his illness'.  During his time there, Eddie will have to make the difficult decision of what (and who) he wants while also risking the displeasure of his mother and others.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please please please read the warnings in the tags. I'll be adding more as I write the fic and if you think any other need to be added please let me know

“Ma, please. Don’t do this. I’m still your son! I’m still your Eddie bear!” Eddie was turned in his seat, begging with her even though he knew it was useless. She hadn’t listened to any of his pleas over the the last few weeks, why would she suddenly listen now? Still, he had to try, it was his last chance. 

The car was slowing as Sonia looked for the house, her small eyes squinting as she looked for the right number. As the numbers counted down Eddie felt sick, knowing that they were inching closer and closer to the final destination. 

“Eddiekins,” His mother started, her tone was sickly sweet, the same voice she used when she convinced him take medicine he hated. “That’s exactly why I’m doing this. Because you’re my son and you're sick. You’re sick Eddiebear and I can’t fix this sickness, it’s not like a cold or cut. I need help.” 

As she spoke the car rolled to a stop in front of an old farmhouse. “These people will help you Eddie. You’ll be home before you know it.” 

He knew what she wanted, for him to nod and agree. But he couldn’t. Instead Eddie forced himself to look at the house, at his new home. A large, wooden sign declared that they had arrived at “St. Paul’s home for Wayward Youths” a heavy cross hung beside it. The cheery robin’s egg blue paint was a stark contrast to the bars over the windows. Behind the house there was a large field with high stalks of corn and tomato plants peaking out. 

Under other circumstance it would be picturesque and perfect, an idyllic house in the country. To Eddie though, it looked like his own hell. A place of darkness and secrets that he was being forced to confront. 

Eddie felt tears welling up in his eyes, thinking about what this place was and why he was going. A few weeks ago his mom had found the magazines under his bed, images of half naked men decorating the pages. When he came home from school that day she’d been standing there, the crumpled magazine in one hand and a bible in the other. He had known then that the fallout would be terrible but he didn’t think she’d do this, that she’d send him away.

“They’ll help you.” She repeated, turning to Eddie and putting a hand on his cheek. He flinched and her eyes narrowed in annoyance. “It’s not God’s way Eddie. How you feel- those impulses- that’s the Devil trying to work his way in. These people will fix that, they’ll fix you. Don’t you want to be fixed baby?” 

Unable to escape, he nodded miserably, knowing it was the only acceptable answer. He didn’t think he was broken but the way his mom explained, how his pastor explained it, he was starting to believe them. “I just want to go home Ma, don’t leave me here. I’ll be good, I swear, I won’t look at those magazines again.” 

He had never been away from his mom, barely been outside Derry, and now she was leaving him here for who knew how long. He started to shake. 

“What if they’re mean?” He asked, hating how his voice shook. 

“Whatever they do Eddie, it’s to help you.” She pulled back, straightening her shirt. “This isn’t easy for me either.” 

She waited for him to reply but when he didn’t she sighed and opened her door. “Let’s go, I have a long drive back after this.”

Eddie thought about opening the door and running, trying to escape, but where would he go? He was seventeen with no money or skills. He’d be lost and homeless.

And a small part of him whispered that maybe his mom was right. Maybe this place would help him. He didn’t want to be sick, he wanted to be cured. He wanted to fall in love with a woman and marry her. He wanted to make his ma and church proud and this house, as scary as it looked, was his chance to do that. To get better.

Trying to swallow the lump in his throat, Eddie opened his door and grabbed his suitcase before following his mom inside. 

The house was old, with a big entryway that led to a sitting room on one side and a kitchen on the other. Eddie didn’t have time to look at the rooms though. Standing directly in front of them were two plainly dressed people.

“Hello Mrs. Kaspbrak, we spoke on the phone. I’m John Smith and this is my wife, Rachel. We’re very excited to help your son.”

Except that they didn’t look excited. They looked scary and stern. John had a weathered face, probably from years of farming, and it looked like it would crack if he smiled. 

Rachel didn’t look any kinder. She had a thin face and a beak like nose that made it look like she was permanently looking down at him. 

Eddie felt himself shrink back against his mom but she pushed him forward. “Don’t be rude Eddiebear, introduce yourself.”

“I’m Eddie.” He mumbled, looking at the floor.

“Well aren’t you handsome?” Mrs. Smith’s hand was under his chin, forcing his gaze up. He wanted to jerk back but knew it would upset his mom. Instead he shifted his weight, unable to meet her eyes.

“But it looks like you have on an inappropriate outfit.” Eddie looked down, he was in shorts and a t-shirt. It seemed perfectly acceptable to him. 

“I’m - I’m sorry Rachel.” He stammered out. 

“You’ll refer to me only as Mrs. Smith. Adult deserve respect Edward.” 

Then she looked at his mom. “We inforce proper gender roles here.” Rachel explained, looking at Sonia. “Men will be men and women will be women, as God intended. That means-” She looked at Eddie’s outfit. “No short shorts for boys, and certainly no pink shorts.” 

Eddie wanted to cover his legs with his hands. He didn’t think his shorts were too short but now, under the judgemental eyes of three adults, he felt nearly naked. 

“We’ll go through your clothes and see what you have that’s appropriate.” Rachel continued, taking Eddie’s suitcase from him. “We’ll also need your cell phone.” 

“My phone?” Eddie squeaked, turning to look at his mom. How was he supposed to talk to Bill? He had promised he’d call him once he was settled. It was one of the only things that got him through the drive, thinking about talking to his best friend.

“Yes. We don’t want any outside influences.” Mr. Smith’s hand was outstretched. Slowly, Eddie reached into his pocket and pulled his phone out, dropping it into his hand.

“You’ll get it back.” He continued. “Once we can trust you. It’s one of the privileges you may earn. Now, we need to talk to your mother. You can go upstairs and change into something appropriate. Your room is the first door on the left. Boys are on the left, girls on the right.”

“No crossing!” Mrs Smith added cheerfully, as if lack of interest in that wasn’t the exact reason that Eddie was here. 

He turned to his mom and she pulled him into a tight hug, nearly smothering him. “Oh Eddie, I’ll miss you! Who will watch my soaps with me? Baby.” She began to blubber and Eddie went still, unable to move.

“Don’t coddle him Mrs. Kaspbrak.” Mr. Smith’s voice called. “It’s probably part of the reason he is how he is.”

With a gasp of horror his mom moved back, alarmed. “No, no. That couldn’t be it. We’re just- close. Right, Eddie?”

“Yes ma.” 

He saw the Smith’s exchange a look and then John said, “Edward, say goodbye to your mother and go change. We’ll expect you back down here in fifteen minutes.” 

Eddie looked at his mom, trying to sort through his mixed feelings for her in thirty seconds. He loved her, of course, everything she did was for him. She made sure he took his medicine and always took him to the doctor. He knew she was spending a lot of money on this camp, to cure him. She loved him. 

For the first time in his life he wasn’t sure if he loved her back.

“Don’t forget your pills.” She said, beginning to cry again. “I’ll call you when I can. Be good Eddiebear. I love you.”

“Love you too ma. I will.” He nodded then turned, running up the stairs before he started to cry. 

At the top of the stairs he heard his mom beginning to tell the Smiths about how delicate he was, how he couldn’t run or play outside. As she began to list his allergies he slipped into the first door on the left, glad that he would have a minute to collect himself before he had to see them again. 

Unfortunately he wasn’t alone. The room had two beds and one was occupied by a lanky boy about his age. He popped up when Eddie entered, looking him over. “You my new roommate?” The boy asked. 

“I guess?” Eddie replied, wrapping his arms around himself. He felt raw and vulnerable and he didn’t want to talk to this boy. 

“Richie Tozier is muh name and doing voice is my game.” The boy said, standing and extending a hand to Eddie. 

“We’re not supposed to touch.” He said, shrinking away as he remembered what his mother had said. 

Richie threw his hands up, palms facing Eddie. Across his palms Eddie saw a crisscross of scars, some healed, others still red and angry. 

He quickly stuck his hands in his pockets when he noticed Eddie looking. “Right you are! Sorry roomie.” 

“What are those?” Eddie asked, frowning. 

“Consequences.” Richie said quietly as his eyes clouded over briefly but then he brightened again. “What are you in for? Full or partial?”

“What?”

“Gay. How gay? Do you still like vaginas or is it just dicks for you?” Richie asked as he fell back on his bed. “I like both so they only need to fix me part way.” 

Eddie wrinkled his nose in disgust. “You shouldn’t talk like that. We’re here because we’re sick. The Smiths are going to help us.” 

“You really are new.” Richie shook his head. “If you really believe that, I’m not sure I can talk to you.”

“I don’t want you to.” Eddie mumbled, turning around and looking at the clothes on his bed. They were far too big for him and it looked like someone had washed them multiple times to remove the color. As he put them on he noticed that they smelled like bleach. He hated it. The fabric was itchy against his skin and he had to roll the pant legs up several times. 

“You’ll get your own clothes back.” Richie said from behind him. “Once they de-gayify them.”

Eddie whipped around, “Are you watching me get dressed?” He forgot he was shirtless and quickly pulled the gray top on. 

“That’s why I'm here, isn’t it? Besides you're cute. A little high strung, but cute.” Richie said as he winked obnoxiously at Eddie, making him flush a deep red. 

“Do you even want to get better?” Eddie asked, shocked. Richie was so flippant about everything. 

“I’m not fucking sick. I don’t need to get better.” Richie’s eyes narrowed, daring Eddie to defy him. “But if you think you are, fine. I’ll leave you alone.” With that he flipped over, no longer facing Eddie.

Eddie stared at his back, a million arguments running through his head. “My mom wouldn’t send me here if I wasn’t sick. She loves me.” 

“Fucking funny way of showing it. Locking you up in this Jesus house.” Richie replied, not turning at him.

“Screw you!” Eddie yelled, a little too loudly. “You don’t know anything about me!” He felt himself getting worked up. He’d been here for ten minutes and already he didn’t like Richie or this house. He wanted to go home. 

He felt tears forming in his eyes again and forced himself to calm down. He couldn’t cry, not in front of Richie. That was what sissies did and Eddie wasn’t a sissy. 

A knock on the door saved him from having to say anything else. 

“Are you decent?” Mrs. Smith’s voice called out. 

“Yes.” 

“Yes Mrs. Smith,” She corrected opening the door. She tsked as she saw Richie. “Are you supposed to be in here now?”

“No ma'am.” Richie said, jumping up. Eddie was shocked how quickly he transformed. The cocky smile was wiped from his face and he stood up straight as Mrs. Smith stared at him.

“Since you’re here,” She continued, raising an eyebrow at him. “You can show Edward around and explain the rules and schedule. Then you can start on the extra chores you’ll be doing for this defiance.” 

“Yes Mrs. Smith.” Richie said, his eyes falling to the ground as she left. 

When she was gone Richie looked at him again, with less pomp than before. “You’ll learn, the only way to survive around here is to laugh.”

Eddie wanted to ask what that meant but Richie was already moving to the door. “Come on new kid, let’s meet the others.”

Eddie had no choice but to hurry after him. He caught up with Richie and as they walked Richie explained the rules.

“We wake up at six am for prayer circle. Then we have chores. Breakfast. Then lessons to teach us stupid ass gender roles.Then we pray again. Then its therapy- that’s always a fucking delight- Lunch. More chores. More praying. Dinner. Praying and then bedtime. We get an hour before bed to do what we want. On Sundays it’s no chores but more praying so that’s a delightful change of pace. If you’re late for anything, you’ll be punished.”

At this Richie’s hands curled into fists and Eddie bit his bottom lip, suddenly scared. “Do they- hit you?” Eddie had never been hit. His mom would yell at him or lock him in his room but she never raised a hand to him. He couldn’t imagine what kind of adult would. 

“That’s one of the better options.”

Richie led him down the stairs and outside where four other kids were working. As Eddie and Richie approached they all stopped, standing up to look at them. 

“This is Eddie, the new kid. Eds, this is Mike, Jake, Bev and Mary.” The kids waved back and Eddie felt a rush of relief as they smiled, Mike the broadest. He had a kind smile and Eddie instantly wished he was rooming with him instead. 

Eddie couldn’t help but notice that the boys wore dark colored tee shirts and jeans while the girls were in dresses. Bev also looked completely out of place in her plain dress. He could see several holes in her ear from removed earrings and it looked like her hair had been dyed brown, poorly. She had a broad grin though, like she was carrying a secret that she couldn’t wait to spill. Something about her confidence made Eddie nervous, especially as Richie walked over, gravitating to her. 

“What are you doing?” Eddie asked, glancing behind them.

“Properly gendered chores.” Bev replied with a sneer, kicking a bucket she had been carrying. “We’re doing laundry while they chop wood. It’s fucking bullshit.”

“Don’t swear!” Mary said, eyes darting around. 

Bev shrugged, unconcerned, and turned to Richie, whispering in his ear. His face cracked into a grin and he nodded. “Yea, you’re right he may be.” 

Eddie stiffened as the two of them kept whispering and laughing. It felt like back in school, where Eddie was called a loser- or worse- by everyone who wasn’t his friend.

Mike seemed to sense this. “Don’t worry about them.” He said, standing next to Eddie. “They’re harmless.”

“I’m not sure about that.” Eddie replied, wrapping his arms around himself. He felt like an outsider, alone and scared. Jake and Mary had already gone back to their chores, ignoring the others. He didn’t want to be another outcast here. 

Next to him Mike raised a hand as if to put it on his shoulder then paused, drawing back.

“Look,” He glanced at Richie and Bev, who were happily giggling together. “I know Richie puts on quite the show but he’s been here the longest. He’s had- a lot happen to him and he deals with it by being over the top. He’s a good guy, I promise.”

“How long has he been here?” 

“Nine months? At least.”

A jolt of fear passed through Eddie. He thought he’d be home by the end of the summer in eight weeks. Back with his friends and in school. It never occurred to him that he’d be there longer. 

He glanced at Richie who had his arm around Bev. “Why doesn’t he just lie?” How hard could it be? To pretend to be straight? It seemed worth it to escape this place. 

“It’s not that easy Eddie, you’ll see soon.”

“How long have you been here?” He asked, looking at Mike once more. The man didn’t look at all like Eddie’s image of a gay man. He was strong and broad chested, confident. Eddie was sure he could have any woman he wanted. 

“Three months.” Mike shrugged. “My grandparents raise me and they’re pretty traditional. They caught me making out with my boyfriend and sent me here the next day.” 

“Did you break up with him? So you can get better?” 

Mike frowned at him, shaking his head slightly. He started to reply but then Richie came back over, looking at them. “Don’t steal my man Mike.” He said, wiggling a finger. “You already have one.”

“Beep beep Richie.” Mike said, giving him an easy smile.

Eddie frowned, wondering if he was wrong about Mike. Maybe the man didn’t want to get better, if he didn’t even break up with his boyfriend. 

“Just beep him when he annoys you.” Bev said, slinging an arm around Eddie. “Soon it’ll be your favorite phrase.” 

Eddie moved away, not liking the casual touch. He didn’t want to be friends with these people. He wanted to get better and to go home. That was it. If Bev minded she didn’t say anything. 

“Can we finish this tour?” He asked, eager to leave. 

“Yes sir captain sir!” Richie said, snapping his heels. He waved goodbye to Mike and Bev as they returned to their chores.

The rest of the tour was less eventful. Richie showed him the kitchen and pantry- the boys weren’t expected to prepare meals so he didn’t go too in depth. Eddie commented how stupid that seemed, he always helped his mom at home and Richie told him that the Smiths believed in raising proper ladies who could later become proper wives. It made his stomach churn again, thinking of how many of his activities the Smiths wouldn’t approve of. Eddie had never chopped wood or even mowed the lawn. Instead his mom had kept him inside, having him clean the bathroom or mop the floor, things the Smiths would have seen as very unmanly. 

Next, they went to the dining and sitting room, where Richie showed him the Smith approved books and games they had. 

“There’s a basement too.” Richie pointed to a locked door. “But we don’t go down there. If you do everything right you’ll never have to see it.” 

A shiver passed through Eddie. Something in Richie’s tone scared him. “What’s down there?” 

Richie’s hand darted out, pinching Eddie’s cheek before he could stop it. “You’re too cute to worry about that Eds. Just use those big brown eyes on the Smiths and you’ll never have to know.”

Eddie frowned, ready to demand a real answer, but Richie was already on the move. “This is the chapel.” He said, showing Eddie a small room with a few chairs and a makeshift altar. “You’ll spent more time here than anywhere else. I’ve played ‘name that stain’ in here more times than I can count.”

“Gross.” Eddie replied, wrinkling his nose. He didn’t like this room. It was musty and cold, like the heat from the rest of the house didn’t reach in here. 

As they left the chapel, Mr. Smith found them. “Perfect timing boys. You can turn around and go back in there. Richie, get bibles for everyone and Eddie go get the others.”

Eddie nodded, eager to escape Richie if only for a few minutes. The boy had cracked jokes throughout the tour, not responding seriously to any of Eddie’s questions. He didn’t understand how he could make jokes about something as serious as this. He really didn’t care about learning anything from this place. 

As they gathered for prayers- only the boys, the girls and Mrs. Smith were making dinner- Eddie purposefully sat away from Richie. 

“Since it’s your first night Edward, we’ll start by talking about sin and what it means. All of you.” John pointed at the boys. “Have committed a grave sin. That’s why you’re here. I know that the liberal media likes to tell you that it’s fine, that how you feel is healthy, but in your hearts you know that’s not true. God said that man shall not lie with a man as he would a woman, didn’t he?”

Slowly, heads bobbed. Eddie noticed that Richie’s was the last to move but then, reluctantly, he nodded too.

“That’s why you’re all here. So we can fix you. We can help lead you back to the light. We are your shepards, boys, instruments from God sent here to help you. Let us pray.” 

The next hour was a mix of prayer and bible reading, with the occasional speech from Mr. Smith. Eddie was used to spending his Sundays in church but his church had music and singing, the time flew by. This was only hellfire and damnation. The way Mr. Smith talked to them, Eddie knew that he thought they were all evil sinners, taken by the Devil. He hated them, hated what they were, and that scared Eddie. He knew that the man would do whatever he could to cast the Devil out and that was a terrifying thought. 

After what felt like forever, Mary came and got them for dinner.

The meal was a quiet affair. After a prayer, everyone served themselves. It seemed that talking about their past lives was forbidden and the only questions the Smith’s had was how they had served God that day. Mary and Jake seemed eager to answer but the others stared at their food, not meeting the Smith’s eyes. 

As he ate, a lump formed in Eddie’s throat. This food wasn’t anything like his mom’s. The table was too tall and the chair was uncomfortable. A wave of homesickness washed over him and the lump grew even larger. It was nearly impossible to swallow the food. He could feel it getting stuck and the last thing he wanted was to choke. 

Finally they were excused and allowed to do what they wanted for the rest of the night. Mike and Richie invited him to play a game with them (no cards for those could be used for gambling) but he declined, instead walking around the property. He wanted to be alone.

He missed his room, how the light hit it perfectly and how it smelled like his soap and detergent. He missed Bill and his friends. He missed Derry.

He managed to hold back the tears until he was crawling into bed that night. The lumpy mattress and strange smelling sheets finally got to him and he started to cry quietly, praying that Richie wouldn’t hear.

“Eds?” He heard Richie get up then his bed sank as the other boy sat. “Are you okay?” A tentative hand brushed his hip and Eddie dashed away.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” He hissed. “We’re here because of that! I’m not getting into trouble for you!”

“Jesus fucking christ, I wasn’t going to feel you up.” Richie sighed then tried again, his voice softer. “Everyone cries their first night. I cried my first month.” 

Eddie flipped over, looking at Richie in the dark. His hair was fanned out from sleeping and somehow he looked softer, more vulnerable. Not like when he was with the Smith’s and he looked scared, but more like his rough outer layer had been stripped away, leaving something that was raw Richie. 

Eddie thought it was beautiful. Not that he’d ever say that.

“Really?” He asked quietly. 

The other boys hair flopped as he nodded. “Did anything help?” 

Richie paused then said, “The other kids. Knowing I wasn’t alone.”

“I feel alone.”

Richie reached out for him again but then stopped, his hand hovering awkwardly midair. “You aren’t.”

Surprising both of them Eddie reached over and threaded their fingers together, squeezing Richie’s hand briefly before letting go. 

“Thank you.”

“Anytime Eds. I’m right here if you need anything.” 

Surprisingly Eddie didn’t. He fell asleep soon after. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Who has unclean thoughts to confess?” Mr. Smith began, looking around the circle. The boys looked down and he shook his head. “Jesus is faithful and will forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9. The Lord already knows your sins boys.”
> 
> “We’ve spoken about the power of prayer, of admitting past sins. Confess to me and be forgiven, be cleansed.”
> 
> Still no one moved.
> 
> “Edward.” Eddie’s head shot up as all eyes turned to him. “You’re new here, recently taken from your life of sin. I’m sure you have had impure thoughts.”
> 
> Eddie swallowed, shaking his head quickly back and forth. “No, no sir.” 
> 
> “What about those magazines your mother caught you with?”
> 
> Eddie felt himself flush bright red as Richie grinned at him. “Those were a mistake.” He mumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for child abuse in this chap (Richie gets slapped, Eddie gets hit by a belt)

The next morning Eddie woke up to a shrill voice shouting, “Prayers will begin in ten minutes! Time to get up and give praise!” 

The voice continued talking but Eddie pinched his eyes shut, trying to ignore it and fall back asleep. He rolled over and threw an arm over his head to block out the noise. 

That was when a pillow hit him. “Get up. You don’t want to be late.” Richie’s voice called. 

He didn’t move, refusing to admit that this was his life, that he was here. He had hoped it was all a dream, that he would wake up in his own bed to the smell of coffee. Opening his eyes meant admitting that this was real. 

“Come on!” Richie pulled the covers off of him then stood over him until he sat up. 

“It’s so early.” He said, trying to rub the sleep from his eyes. He didn’t remember the last time he had gotten up this early. 

“Yea, I told you, shit starts early.” Richie said, walking to the door. “Hurry up!” He called when Eddie still didn’t move. Richie ran out the door and Eddie could hear him on the stairs, running down them.

Finally he got up, quickly changing clothes and getting to morning prayers right as they began. 

“Edward. Nice of you to join us.” Mrs. Smith said, gesturing for him to sit down as Mr. Smith began to preach about original sin and how they can be saved. 

Eddie didn’t listen to most of the sermon, too distracted by trying not to fall asleep. A few times Richie had to poke him as he started to doze off. He felt the judgemental eyes of Mr. and Mrs. Smith on him but they didn’t say anything. He hoped they were cutting him some slack since it was his first day. 

Then morning prayers ended. After they were dismissed Mr. Smith called out, “Edward, since you seem to have trouble staying awake, you can come help me in the garden. It’s good work and it will revitalize you. Richard too.” 

He knew better than to argue. Mr. Smith turned and started walking, clearly expecting them to follow. The sun was already warm outside and Eddie frowned, thinking about how he was going to get sunburnt. Richie’s nose and cheeks were already burnt red, and it somehow made him look younger, more innocent. 

“We’ll begin with weeding. Idle hands are the devil’s workshop after all.” Mr. Smith said, turning to them and speaking sternly. “I trust that this will be done by the time I come get you for breakfast.” Eddie understood the unsaid implications of what would happen if it wasn’t- they’d be out here until it was done, no matter how hot it got outside or how hungry they were. 

“Yes sir.” Richie said, grabbing two sets of gloves and kneeling pads and handing one to Eddie, careful not to touch him under Mr. Smith’s watchful eye. 

“Sorry.” Eddie mumbled as they started weeding. He felt awful that Richie was being punished for his actions. 

Richie looked at him, surprised. “Didn’t know you knew that word.”

“Oh fuck you.”

“Or that one.” Richie bumped Eddie’s shoulder. “I’m joking. Relax. And I’m not upset. I’d rather be outside than inside with them.”

“They don’t seem so bad.” Eddie commented, starting to pull weeds.

“You haven’t been here long.” 

Eddie glanced at Richie, seeing that his mask had slipped and this was the real Richie again. He looked scared and lonely, his hands curled in tight fists while he took a long breath. Eddie wanted to pull him into a hug but knew it would be a bad idea.

“I hope you never see it Eds. The real Smiths.” He finally said, not looking at Eddie. “They’re so much worse than you know.” 

He nodded, deciding to change the subject. “What do you do for fun?”

“Here? Jack shit. In real life,” Richie whistled as he started to pull out weeds. “Video games, music. I like comic books. All the stuff that’s banned in this place.”

“I like comics too.” Eddie said, tugging on a weed and feeling relieved that they had something in common. “Bill and I used to spend weekends in my room, reading them. DC or Marvel?”

He noticed that Richie stiffened at Bill’s name but before Eddie could comment he asked, “Marvel, all the way. You?”

“DC.”

Richie looked at him, shaking his head sadly. “Oh Eddie, Eddie,  _ Eddie _ . You are so wrong. So cute but so wrong.”

Eddie threw a weed at Richie, ignoring the compliment. They spent the next hour happily debating comic books. It was the happiest Eddie had been since his mom found the magazines. Richie had a voice for all of his favorite comic book heroes and, while they weren’t good, his sheer enthusiasm made Eddie laugh. 

At breakfast, Eddie learned that coffee wasn’t allowed in the house because all addictive substances, including caffeine, were banned from the house. The shock on his face made Richie laugh, earning him clean up duty. 

The gender role lessons were the strangest thing yet. Mr. Smith took the boys, lecturing them about their role in marriage- how they needed to support their wife by having a good job and by being strong and protective of her while still serving God. 

“Remember, the Bible tells us to be fruitful and multiple. That’s what we want from each of you. For you to return here in a decade with a string of children behind you, a happy Christian wife on your arm and a thank you on your lips.” 

Eddie tried to keep his face blank at this but the thought of ever wanting to return here, especially with his kids, seemed unlikely. 

They were assigned an essay to explain how to be a model husband and Eddie found himself chewing on his pencil. Every time he tried to conjure up an imaginary wife in his head, nothing came. He could see a vague outline of a woman but nothing solid. He’d never even had a crush, it was impossible to know what this potential wife would be. 

He glanced at Richie, who was whispering with Mike. For some reason, just for a second, it was easy to see Richie as his spouse, the two of them laughing and cooking together.

Then, Richie caught him staring and winked and Eddie quickly glanced back down, his cheeks burning. He had to remember that he was here to get better. Thinking about Richie like that wasn't getting better. He focused on how to be a good husband, ignoring the person he’d be a husband to. 

The rest of the day went quickly, until prayer time before dinner. Eddie was exhausted. The chores in the sun had gotten to him and all the standing and sitting tired him out. Eddie wanted to be alone, to process things but instead, they had prayer. The girls were excused to make dinner and Eddie wished he was with them. He was worried about falling asleep in his chair and knew that would be a disaster. 

“Who has unclean thoughts to confess?” Mr. Smith began, looking around the circle. The boys looked down and he shook his head. “Jesus is faithful and will forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9. The Lord already knows your sins boys.”

“We’ve spoken about the power of prayer, of admitting past sins. Confess to me and be forgiven, be cleansed.”

Still no one moved.

“Edward.” Eddie’s head shot up as all eyes turned to him. “You’re new here, recently taken from your life of sin. I’m sure you have had impure thoughts.”

Eddie swallowed, shaking his head quickly back and forth. “No, no sir.” 

“What about those magazines your mother caught you with?”

Eddie felt himself flush bright red as Richie grinned at him. “Those were a mistake.” He mumbled.

“Did you like how the men looked in there, Eddie? Did you touch yourself when you looked at them?” Mr. Smith’s voice was lower and it felt dangerous, like a snaked curled to strike.

“I-” The lie caught in his throat and he nodded. “I did, yes sir.”

“The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. Matthew 26:41. This is why I am here, to help you suppress desires of the flesh.”

Eddie had no idea what that meant. Before he could ask Mr. Smith spoke again. “Hold out your hands.” 

“Wuh-what?” 

“Hold them out son.” 

Eddie looked at the others. No one would meet his eyes. Slowly, he raised his hands, watching as Mr. Smith pulled his belt off. He still didn’t understand what was going on. 

“I will deliver three strikes, one for each member of the holy trinity. God has blessed you with these hands and you sulled them with your lustful touch. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you? It is merely on loan to you Eddie, it’s not yours, you are a soul within a vessel and you have sinned in that vessel.” 

“What-” Eddie barely got the word out before the whip cracked down, hitting the meat of his palms. He cried out and ripped his hands back, tears springing to his eyes as his hands stung.

“Richard, hold him.” 

Reluctantly, Richie stood, coming over to Eddie and taking his hands. Eddie looked at him, unable to stop the whimper that escaped. Richie wouldn’t look at him.

“These hands, this flesh-” The belt cracked again, leaving red welts on his palms. Eddie tried to move but Richie’s grip was too strong. He was shaking like a leaf, terrified for the final blow.

“They were given to you by God, to praise him and you used them for lustful purposes. I will ensure that this does not happen again. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Matthew 6:13. The Lord is the only way and I am here to do His bidding.” 

A third strike and then he was done. Eddie slumped as Mr. Smith put his belt back on. Richie released him, silently going back to his seat.

“Now Jake, please read for us.” Mr. Smith sat back down, ignoring Eddie’s tears. He caught Mike and Richie looking at him but Eddie didn’t meet their eyes. He didn’t want their pity. His hands were in his lap and he felt a jolt of pain whenever he moved them, biting back a whimper of pain each time. 

An hour passed and they were released. Eddie didn’t hear any of it, too focused on his hands. Angry red welts had appeared and he’d had to wipe the thin line of blood off on his pants several times. 

“Get washed up for dinner boys. I expect you at the table in ten minutes.”

As soon as Mr. Smith left, Mike rushed over to him, Jake and Richie not far behind. “Are you okay?” Mike asked, kneeling in front of him.

“He hit me.” Eddie hated how shaky his voice was, how weak. He’d never been hit by an adult before. His mom had grabbed him, pulled his arm, but she’d never hit him. She would never. Eddie had never been scared of an adult before but he was now, scared of what else they would do to him. 

“It’s their favorite form of punishment.” Richie mumbled, not looking at him.

Mike nodded. “We can help. After dinner, we can get you ice.”

“If you listen, it doesn’t happen a lot.” Jake added. 

“Shut up Jake you fucking brown noser.” Richie said, glaring at him. 

Jake opened his mouth but as he did, Mary entered. “You boys need to get washed up. Mrs. Smith is not in a good mood.” 

Jake rushed to follow her, Richie and Mike hung back. “We’ll help you, I promise.” Mike said, offering him a hand.

Eddie looked at him, skeptical. “Why?” He felt betrayed that Richie had held his hands, that he hadn’t even looked at Eddie as he’d been hit. 

Mike and Richie exchanged glances. “Because we’re in this together. It’s us versus them. We have to stick together.” Mike said. His voice was so fierce that Eddie wanted to cry again. 

“I’m sorry Eds, if I help you- it would have been worse. For both of us.” Richie sounded like he wanted to cry too. Eddie looked up at him and saw real regret in Richie’s eyes. 

Eddie didn’t know how he felt about any of this. He wanted to get better, to be normal, but not like this. His hands throbbed as a reminder of what had happened, exactly like Mr. Smith wanted. 

“Come on, let’s go.” Richie said when Eddie didn’t reply. The three of them left together. 

Dinner was a quiet affair. They prayed, asking for God to release them from their wicked affiliations, and after that Eddie focused on trying to use a fork. It wasn’t easy. He couldn’t close his hands, the welts on his hand stung when he tried. He was sure the Smiths noticed but they ignored it, carrying on a pleasant conversation between the two of them. Jake and Mary wouldn’t look at him but he saw Bev and she mouthed ‘Sorry’. He didn’t reply, staring down at his food. 

Finally they were released. Bev and Mary were expected to clear up so the boys were free until lights out.

“Come on,” Richie said, motioning for Eddie to follow him. He led Eddie to a small bathroom, grabbing some supplies and turning to him. 

“Put your hands out.” Richie directed.

“Do you know what you’re doing?” Eddie asked, frowning. 

“Yea, I’ve done this a few times.” 

Eddie still hesitated and Richie sighed. “I’m not gonna fucking grope you. Just put your hands out.” 

Reluctantly, Eddie put them out, wincing as Richie cleaned the cuts. He was surprised how gentle he was, wiping Eddie’s hands and cradling them in his own. “I’m sorry okay. I didn’t want to help him, I need you to know that. I’m not with them, ever. But if I had refused we would have both been punished worse.” Richie pulled his collar aside, revealing a burn mark shaped like a cross on his chest.

“What happened?” Eddie whispered, forgetting about his own pain for a second. 

“I didn’t listen. The first time was the belt, like you. Then this. I told you Eddie, they’re not good people.” Richie crouched again, wrapping his hands. 

“Why are they like this?” He asked quietly, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice.

“Personally, I think it’s because she’s gay and he’s a eunch.” 

Eddie let out a laugh that surprised even him and Richie looked up, smiling. He seemed thrilled that he made Eddie laugh. 

“Some people are just bad Eds. They hate other people and want to make them as miserable as they are.” He stood and offered a hand. “That’s the Smiths. And our parents, that’s why they brought us here.” 

Eddie didn’t take the hand, instead he pulled back, shaking his head. “My mom- she wouldn’t leave me here if they couldn’t help me. She wouldn’t do that.” 

“Eds-” Richie reached for him and he darted away, feeling tears springing to his eyes again. 

“No! Richie you don’t get it! She loves me! She wants to help me! Just because your parents abandoned you-” He stopped as Richie’s face fell. 

He didn’t expect the comment to hit home but he knew it did as Richie shook his head. “Fuck you Eddie.” 

Eddie bolted, running before Richie could say anything more. He ran outside, gulping down the cool air and pressing his shirt to his face. 

He wasn’t alone for long though. He heard the door open behind him and tensed. “Not now Richie. Just fucking leave me alone.”

“He gets that a lot.” A voice much deeper and smoother than Richie’s replied. 

Eddie turned to see Mike, watching Eddie like he may bolt. Eddie wondered what Mike thought of him. If had the feeling that Mike would be someone who could easily hide it if he didn’t like someone. Eddie hoped that wasn’t him.

“Did he send you?”

Mike shrugged. “Maybe. Come on Eddie, take a walk with me.”

Eddie knew he should probably say no. He was sure they’d get in trouble for it, even though it was their free time. But he didn’t want to be alone and he liked Mike. The man radiated calm and that was something Eddie desperately needed. 

They walked in silence until Eddie couldn’t take it anymore. The question that had been bubbling up in him since yesterday came out. “Are you still dating that boy? The one you got caught with?”

Mike glanced at him then nodded. “Stan. That’s his name. He’s my boyfriend.”

Eddie stopped. “Why? Mike, you seem smart. Don’t you want to get better? You can’t if you’re still with him. It’s - it’s wrong.” Eddie wasn’t sure how else to say it. 

“Why?” 

“Because it’s a sin against God.” 

Mike looked at him, pity etched on his face. “Do you really believe that? That God would make us gay if it was a sin?”

“But the bible-”

“Has one sentence about it. It talks more about shellfish and mixed linens.” Mike sighed, shaking his head. “I’m not going to try and convince you Eddie. You can decide for yourself. But I won’t listen to you tell me I’m wrong or broken or anything. I spent long enough feeling that way. Stan was the one who helped me out of it. His family is deeply Jewish but they don’t have an issue with us. If they can accept us, I think the world can. If not.” Mike shrugged. “Fuck ‘em.” 

Eddie opened then closed his mouth. Mike’s tone wasn’t upset. He wasn’t lecturing Eddie. But he was clear about how he felt. 

“Do you really think God would do this to you?” Mike’s eyes softened. “Give you the capacity to love and then tell you it’s wrong, that it’s sick? Because any God who would isn’t one I want to believe in.” He paused. “We deserve love Eddie. All of us.”

“Even Richie?” He tried to joke, to lighten the mood somehow. 

“Especially him. You don’t know what he’s gone through Eddie. Our families sent us here to  _ ‘help’  _ us.” Mike put the word in air quotes. “Richie’s sent him to get here to get him away from them.”

Eddie frowned. It didn’t make sense. His feelings towards his mom were addled at the moment but he never doubted that what she did, she did out of love. She took care of him, she loved him. 

“What kind of parents would do that?” He asked, a deep guilt settling into his stomach. He had known what he said was harsh but hadn’t realized how close to home it must have hit. 

“Ones who shouldn’t have kids.” 

Eddie played with the hem of his shirt. “I said something really mean to Richie.”

“I know.” 

“What if if doesn’t forgive me?” 

Mike looked up at the sky and took a deep breath. “The amazing thing about Richie is that he always forgives. Always.” 

“But-”

“Always Eddie. We should get back. It’s gonna be dark soon.”

Mike must have sensed that Eddie needed to think because he didn’t speak as they walked back. Eddie let his words rolls around his head. He believed Mike that Richie would forgive him. It made him feel better, even knowing he would need to eat crow and apologize.

Then he moved onto the other thing Mike had said. He was right, why would God do this? Make him gay only to punish him? That seemed... stupid. 

The thought of it went against everything he knew, everything he’d been taught. Why would everyone lie to him? He remembered his mom’s face when she caught him, the horror and pain in her expression. It was a look of utter betrayal and Eddie had known he had hurt her, disappointed her more than he ever had before. 

Them for the first time, Eddie let himself earnestly wonder if his mom was wrong, if she didn’t know what was best for him. 

Those thoughts took him back to his room, where Richie was waiting inside. Eddie would have given anything to avoid the conversation, what he said sat bitterly in his stomach, but he knew that waiting would only make it worse. He only had to hope that Richie was as forgiving as Mike claimed. He was terrified that Richie wouldn’t be, that he would stay mad. It scared him for reasons he couldn’t quiet explain. He needed Richie to still like him, to talk to him. 

He glanced up as Eddie entered but didn’t speak. 

Gathering his courage Eddie walked to him, looking down at the sprawled boy. His shirt had ridden up, displaying a thin strip of pale skin. Eddie couldn’t stop looking at it, anything to avoid his eyes, the frown on his normally smiling face. 

“Do you need something?” Richie asked when Eddie didn’t speak.

He felt himself flush bright red as he nodded. “I need to- to apologize. For what I said.”

Richie put down the book and looked at him. “Go on.”

Eddie had hoped that that would be enough. He soldiered on. “I’m sorry okay? It was a really shitty thing to say. You were just trying to help me and I was an asshole.” 

“You really were an ass.” Richie said, eyes scanning his face and Eddie thought that Richie was going to tell him to fuck off. Then he smiled. “But we’re good, don’t worry. I could never stay mad at you.”

“Okay. Well. Thanks.” Eddie said, turning and pulling on his pajamas. He couldn’t deny the relief he felt, knowing that Richie was okay. Before long, it was light’s out. 

_ Eddie was young again, young, his hand pressed into his mother’s as she lectured, not really talking to him but expecting that he heard everything she said.  _

_ “It’s dirty Eddie. People like that, they’re dirty. You aren’t dirty, right? My little boy, my clean, clean son.” She bent down, cleaning dirt off his face with her thumb. Except that her thumb grew and soon it was weighing him down, crushing him with its weight. _

_ “Eddie bear, you need to listen, You need to learn.” Her voice boomed as he tried to scramble away. But he couldn’t, he was trapped. It was getting harder to breath, harder to think or fight. “Boys can’t touch other boys, Eddie. It’s an abomination.” _

_ Then another voice- Maybe Mr. Smith, maybe God- “You’re broken Eddie. We’ll fix you, we’ll help you.” _

_ “I’m not! Mike said I’m not!” Eddie screamed back, trying to free himself from the thumb. Except now it was a fist, curling around him and crushing him. Tighter and tighter. He saw his mom’s face, Mr. Smith, Mrs. Smith, all his teachers, his pastor, all of them saying that he needed them.  _

_ “You need help Eddie.”  _

_ “You’re sick.” _

_ “Let us help you.” _

_ Voices sprang up from everywhere and Eddie felt hot tears run down his cheeks. “No, no. I’m not. I’m-” _

“Eds?” Eddie slowly opened his eyes as someone shook him. Slowly, he blinked awake. Richie was standing over his bed, looking concerned.

“You were calling out.” Richie said, quietly. “I didn’t want the Smiths to hear.” His hand was still on Eddie’s shoulder and he moved back. “I know,  _ don’t fucking touch me _ .” He added in a poor impression of Eddie.

“Actually.” Eddie sat up, wrapping his arms around his legs. He didn’t want to admit how shaken he was but he knew he’d never fall back asleep unless-

“Would you cuddle with me?” Eddie felt his cheeks burning as he asked. “Bill always did and - it helps.”

He thought he saw Richie’s eyes narrow for a second but then he nodded. “Scoot over ol’ Spaghetti pal, let me assume the cuddling position.”

Eddie moved, grateful that Richie didn’t ask any questions about his dream.

“You a big spoon or little spoon, Eds?” 

“Little.” Eddie said, his cheeks flaring up again.

“Then come here.” Richie laid down and patted the space next to him. Eddie moved in, laying so his back was pressed to Richie’s chest. Richie’s arm went around him and Eddie grabbed his hand, instantly feeling better. 

“This okay?” Richie asked, his breath hitting Eddie’s ear.

“It’s perfect.” 

Eddie didn’t even remember falling asleep. He only remembered hearing Mrs. Smith calling for them and telling everyone to wake up. He turned and hit something solid. It took him a minute to realize it was Richie, still solidly asleep next to Eddie. He looked so calm and peaceful that Eddie didn't want to wake him. 

He knew he had to though. Gently, he pushed Richie’s shoulder until the boy woke up with a start, snorting and sitting up. The gesture made Eddie giggle and Richie looked at him, surprised.

“That was cute.” He looked around. “Forgot I slept here.”

“Well, thank you.” Eddie said quietly. “It helped.” He wasn’t sure he could explain how much. Sleeping next to Richie wasn’t like being by Bill. He was always cold and moved too much. Richie was like a space heater and he slept solidly next to Eddie. It was- nice. Eddie tried not to think too hard about why it felt so different than sleeping beside Bill.

“Anything for you Spaghetti.” Richie said, pinching his cheek and hopping up. 

Eddie started the day in better spirits. Richie was in a good mood and joking with him, nudging his shoulder while Eddie told him to fuck off. They were both laughing and Eddie soaked in how bright Richie’s eyes got when he really laughed, how big his smile was. It made his stomach flutter. Everything was great. 

Until he got down to the prayer room. 

Both boys stopped laughing as they entered. The Smith’s were both dressed in black and in front of them was a coffin, sitting on a table, surrounded by flowers and blank pieces of poster board. 

“Take a seat boys.” Mr. Smith directed and the two sank down, looking at the others. Everyone else was there so Eddie wasn’t sure who would be in the coffin.

“We’re here today to remember someone very special.” Mr. Smith spoke as Mrs. Smith flipped the poster boards. On them was each of the kids, with the dates of death listed as a year from today. 

“We’re here for each of you, to fight for your eternal souls. Right now, all of you are heading to hellfire and damnation and you will perish from it. Remember, Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him and him alone.” 

He stopped to let his words sink in. Next to him Richie scoffed but Eddie felt a jolt of fear. He couldn’t stop looking at his picture. It was his latest school photo, he was wearing a salmon polo and his hair was gelled down. 

The only way the Smiths could have that photo was if his mom gave it to them. She gave them the photo. Did she know how it would be used? That it would be blown up, stretched and made grainy, for a fake funeral? Did she even ask?

Just like that Eddie was crying, sobbing really. Not because of the stupid fake funeral, no, but because of his mom. She left him here, in a place were they beat children, where they told him that he was diseased, that he needed to be fixed.

Because she believed that too. 

Mr. Smith kept talking as Eddie cried. He seemed almost pleased by the strong reaction. Richie though, Richie looked like he wanted to wrap his arms around Eddie, to pull him close and never let him go. 

It only made Eddie cry more. Because he wanted Richie’s arms around him. And not because they were friends but because-

He was gay. He’d never admitted it, not even to himself. But this idiotic boy that he’d only known for a few days made him confront the truth. He was gay and he had feelings for Richie.

Air rushed back into Eddie’s lungs. For what felt like the first time in a long time, he could breathe again. The stress and fear didn’t lessen but something unclenched inside him. It hurt less. The pain that surrounded his heart shrunk, just a little. 

Then, as suddenly as it began, his crying stopped. Things were still terrifying but admitting that gave Eddie back some power, it made him feel less helpless. 

He wiped his eyes on his sleeve and took a deep, shuddering breath. Mr. Smith’s eyes were still trained on him. 

“You understand now. Jesus died and rose again, and God will bring those who believe that into his Kingdom. The path you’re on has only one ending. You will die a terrible death from AIDs and then be sent to hell with all the other sinners. But this need not be your fate. Pray with me boys.”

Eddie’s lips recited the prayer, not paying attention to the words. He had admitted a deep secret to himself but he wasn’t sure what it meant. He still wanted to get better, wanted to make his mom proud. The easiest way to do that would be to listen to the Smiths, to take their lessons to heart and fix who he was. 

But Eddie didn’t know if he wanted that. Emotions swirled in him, nothing staying long enough for him to honestly decide how he felt. Soon they were released, sent to eat breakfast before being given more chores. 

Richie and Eddie were together again. Eddie wasn’t sure what cruel deity was testing him but the two of them were given baskets and told to pick corn.

“You know, the only advantage of this shit hole is that I’m tan for the first time in my life.” Richie said, grabbing an ear of corn and throwing it in his basket. “And I have a muscle from all this labor.”

“One muscle?” Eddie asked, smiling at him. 

The smile seemed to egg the other boy on. “Yea, see?” Richie lifted his arm and flexed. “Right there.”

Eddie walked over, running his finger over Richie’s bicep. “This?”

“Yea.” Something in Richie’s tone had shifted and Eddie looked up at him. Richie’s lips were parted and he was staring at Eddie. Eddie’s heart was hammering so hard, he thought it might escape from his chest. When had they gotten so close? 

Eddie forced himself to step back, his brows furrowing. He needed to talk to Bill, to hear his perspective. He was the only person Eddie could trust. And just like that, a wave of longing hit him. He missed Bill. It had been years since they’d gone more than a day without talking. They usually saw each other every day or at least texted. Eddie had known him since they were in diapers, Bill was like his brother. He was the only person Eddie could trust.

“What’s wrong Eds? You look like someone stole your last cookie.” 

“I miss Bill.” He mumbled, feeling silly. “I want to talk to him.” 

Something like jealousy or disappointment passed over Richie’s face, quick enough that Eddie wondered if he imagined it. Then he was back to himself, cracking a grin. “Well then Eds, let's get you your phone.”

He shook his head, confused. “What? You can’t. It’s locked up!”

“That’s never stopped me before Eduardo. We’ll get it tonight after lights out. Then you can talk to your- Bill.”

“I could hug you right now!” Eddie said, a grin spreading over his face. He had so much to tell Bill. He couldn’t wait.

“Aw, that excitement is good enough.”

The rest of the day went slowly, Eddie kept making mental notes about what to tell Bill- about Mike’s boyfriend, about the Smith’s cooking, about Richie. So many things were about Richie. 

Finally, it was lights out. The two of them crawled into their beds. Richie told him they needed to wait at least an hour and Eddie decided that this was the worst part. He was so close to talking to his friend, the waiting was torture. 

“Scoot.” Richie said, standing and coming to Eddie. “I can feel your excitement from over there.”

Eddie moved over, letting Richie lay next to him. The back of their hands brushed and Eddie had to remind himself to breathe.

“Thank you.” He said, flipping over. “I know this is a big risk.”

Richie flipped too, looking at Eddie. “Some things are worth the risk. Like that smile.” He reached out, pinching Eddie’s cheek. “You’re so cute.”

“Stop!” He swatted Richie away with less force. Richie darted back, trying to grab him again and eventually Eddie just grabbed his hand, forcing it down. Richie was quick, threading their fingers together. The gesture made Eddie’s heart hammer in his chest but Richie quickly released him.

“Guess I shouldn’t do that, huh? Since you have-” 

Whatever Richie was going to say was interrupted by a knock on their door and Bev poking her head in. “Come on losers, let's get Eddie’s phone.”

He frowned, wishing that Bev had waited another couple minutes. Richie was already on his feet, going to her and rapping knuckles. Eddie followed, barely listening as they talked. 

“Okay, you two are look outs. I’ll get the phone.” Richie said once they were downstairs. “They keep them locked in the kitchen.” He directed Eddie to look up the stairs and Bev to watch the backyard while he worked.

Nerves set in as he waited; he realized how much trouble he could be in if they were caught, what could happen. As he started to run through scenarios, each one worse than the last, he heard a creak from upstairs. Then a foot appeared near his head. His eyes widened as he realized that it was Mr. Smith, probably coming down for a drink of water. 

Eddie quickly darted out, waving his hands at Richie and Bev. He could see the knife that Richie had been using to pick the lock, it looked like he had just popped it open when Eddie ran in. Thankfully, both saw him. Richie ran to him, grabbing Eddie’s arm and shoving him under the kitchen table. He watched as Bev disappeared and Richie scrambled to hide in the pantry.

He had the perfect view to see Mr. Smith enter the room and glance around, his eyes settling on the knife and open cabinet.

“If you come out, I’ll go easy on you.” Mr. Smith said, slowly turning around. “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Proverbs 28:13.”

Eddie swallowed. The wounds on his hands pulsed with his heartbeat, a reminder of what happened when you disobeyed. 

“You don’t understand right and wrong, good and evil. It’s part of you being a sinner. That’s why I’m here. To teach you. To lead you away from evil doing and to righteousness.” 

Mr. Smith was walking towards him and Eddie knew he was going to be caught. All he needed to do was bend down and he’d see Eddie. Eddie was frozen with fear, all he could do was watch as those feet moved closer, as his fate was sealed. He would find Eddie and punish him. Eddie would learn what Richie mean yesterday when he said that Eddie didn’t know how cruel he could be. 

“Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Eddie had never heard a bible quote with such a sinister overtone. Mr. Smith used the words not a promise of salvation but as a threat for what would happen if they disobeyed. 

“I’m here to help you.” Mr. Smith said and Eddie was getting ready to pop out, to take whatever punishment he was dealt, when suddenly the pantry door flung open.

“I’m not sure I believe you pops.” Richie said, putting on a show.

Mr. Smith turned on a dime, striding over to Richie. Eddie watched as he grabbed Richie’s arm, twisting it. “I should have known it was you boy. The devil has a hold on you. The one who does what is sinful is of the devil.”

“Am I of the devil? That makes sense I guess, explains my love of heat and the fiddle.” Eddie watched when Richie’s face changed as Mr. Smith gripped him tighter.

“You never learned when to stop.” Mr. Smith said as he raised a hand and slapped Richie across the face. 

Eddie covered his mouth as tears appeared in Richie’s eyes. He didn’t cry though, just looked at Mr. Smith and shrugged. “Not really my strong suit.”

“You are full of insolence and sin.” Mr. Smith struck him again and Eddie started to scurry out, needing to help Richie. “And I will be the one to deliver you from them.” 

Richie saw him and shook his head as Mr. Smith continued to rant about extracting the sin from him. ‘It’s okay,’ He mouthed. 

Eddie stopped, conflicted. He didn’t want Richie to take the blame for him but he was scared, he didn’t want to get hit. Fear took him again, paralyzing him. All he could do was watch as Mr. Smith grabbed Richie by the scruff of his neck, pulling him along. “You know what this means boy. Solitary.” 

“Finally, things were getting too loud around here.” Richie said, tripping over his feet as Mr. Smith dragged him. He landed with a  _ thunk  _ and Mr. Smith picked him up again, shoving him forward. Eddie had to cover his mouth to stifle himself as he cried out. 

Once they were out of sight, Eddie scrambled out, watching as Mr. Smith opened the door to the basement and practically shoved Richie down. Eddie had to clamp a hand over his mouth to stop his cry as he heard Richie yelp in pain. He was still frozen there when Bev came back in and grabbed his arm, tugging him back upstairs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my mind, the theme song for Richie for this fic is Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls which I imagine him unironically belting out in the early mornings


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m single Richie, always have been. Probably always will be.”
> 
> Richie’s voice was back to normal as he replied, “Aw Eds, don’t say that. I’d be happy to date ya, once I’m out of this hole.”
> 
> Normally, Eddie would have brushed off the comment. He already knew that it was just something that Richie said. But given what he’d done for Eddie, where he was, made Eddie asked, “Would you really?”
> 
> He heard Richie swallow then ask, “Would you want that?” 
> 
> Eddie laid his cheek in the grass, thinking what it would be like to date Richie. It made him smile, then blush furiously. 
> 
> He nodded then remembered Richie couldn’t see him. “I think- yea, yea I would.”
> 
> Richie whistled, low and long. “Shit. Can’t believe you’re confessing your love to me when I’m all locked up. Got a thing for jailbirds, Eds?”

“Where is he taking Richie? What- what is he doing?” Eddie lunged towards to the door, only to be stopped by Bev. He gaped at her. “We have to help him!”

“Shut up!” Bev moved in, clamping a hand over his mouth and glaring at him. “Do you want to get caught too? Richie gave himself up for us, okay? So shut up!”

She didn’t move back until he nodded. Then she lowered her hand, whispering an answer to his question. “He’s going to the basement. There’s a room down there that they put us in when we’re bad. It’s- it’s awful.” She shuddered involuntarily.

“Why?” He asked, his voice barely above a whisper. 

She stared at a corner in the room, not looking at him. “It’s small, really small, barely a closet. They made it just for this. The ceilings are so low you can barely stand and the floor is so narrow you can’t lie down. And it’s really fucking bright, so you can’t sleep. They covered the walls in bible verses, all about sin. It’s-” She sighed. “It’s bad, okay?” 

He couldn’t imagine, didn’t want to. Eddie wrapped his arms around himself, thinking about Richie being thrown in there. “How long do they keep you there?” 

She shrugged. “Hours, days. It just depends how bad they think you were.”

“We have to get him out!” Eddie moved to the door, ready to go break Richie out, to do  _ something _ , but Bev grabbed his arm.

“What are you going to do? If you go down there, you’ll get locked up too! Or something worse.” 

“But he-” Eddie paused, tears forming in his eyes. “He did it for us.” His voice trembled. “We can’t just leave him there, alone.” 

She moved in, wrapping her arms around him. “I know. So let’s not fuck it up by getting caught too.” They stayed like that for a minute, until Eddie caught his breath and could talk again.

“Why did he do it, Bev?” He asked, talking into her shoulder. 

She sighed. “Because he’s a good person. And he has nothing to lose.” She rubbed his back, letting him absorb. 

“We can talk to him tomorrow, Eddie.” She continued. “We’ll figure something out. But it has to wait until tomorrow. Tonight Mr. Smith will be down there.”

Eddie stilled, fear running through him again. “Is he going to-” He couldn’t finish. It was too hard to think about what Richie could be going through.

“Maybe.” She replied honestly. “The Smiths don’t mind hitting kids. You know that.” Her voice was twisted, angry. He nodded, he knew. The welts on his hands were still fresh. 

A noise made them jump apart and Bev looked anxiously at the door. “Tomorrow, okay? I need to go.” 

He nodded, giving her another quick hug before she left.

He slept terribly that night. He kept waking up in a cold sweat, having dreamt that Mr. Smith was throwing Richie into hell and then that Richie was stretched out, his sin being extracted out of him.

Every time he woke up, he ended up staring at the other boy’s bed, cold and empty. He felt terrible that Richie was in there because of him, because he’d wanted to talk to Bill. Guilt gnawed at him, reminding him that this was all his fault. 

He hated knowing that the one thing that would have made him feel better was Richie’s arms around him. The other boy was the opposite of Eddie in nearly every way but he made Eddie feel safe, something that he hadn’t felt anywhere else on this farm. 

Eddie was almost glad when Mrs. Smith came to wake them up the next morning, it meant he didn’t have to pretend to be asleep any longer. 

The morning went by at a glacier speed. He would have sworn that the Smiths knew he and Bev were involved in last night’s heist, they kept an eye on each of them all morning, giving both of them chores that kept them in viewing range. The morning prayers were longer than normal and all about obeying your elders and God. Eddie kept glancing at Richie’s seat, churning over what had happened. He knew that Richie had done it to help him and he felt a mix of conflicted and angry over the outcome. He’d never disobeyed an adult like this before. If his mom knew what he’d done- 

But would she care? She was the reason he was here. As much as he loved her, he wasn’t sure he could blindly obey her, not anymore. Emotions swirled in him, threatening to erupt if he focused on any for too long. 

It wasn’t until the afternoon that they were left alone and Eddie was crawling out of his skin by then. Images of Richie kept flashing in his head.

He was supposed to be trimming trees with Mike but the other boy shook his head. “I’ve got this, go find Bev.”

Eddie couldn’t hide his relief. “Thank you.” Mike nodded and Eddie took off, running to find Bev. She was near the house, hemming a dress. 

“Finally!” She hissed, grabbing his elbow. Mary opened her mouth and Bev rounded on her. “If you say one word, I will end you.” She said, jabbing Mary in the chest.

The other girl’s hands flew up, eyes wide with shock. “I won’t!” She squeaked.

“You fucking better not.” 

With that, Bev turned and started walking, dragging Eddie with her. “Thank you, Bev.” He knew this was a risk for her, one she didn’t have to take. 

She stopped, pointing to a small window. “You need to open that. We rigged up a tube so he’ll be able to hear you. I’ll keep watch.”

Eddie nodded, trying not to think about how dirty he’d get from crawling on the ground. Bev took a few steps before Eddie called out. “Wait, why are you doing this for me?” 

She shook her head. “You don’t get it. It’s not for you, it’s for Richie. Plus, anything I can do to fuck up the Smiths' plans is good in my book.”

Eddie frowned but didn’t ask any more questions. Instead, he dropped to his stomach and crawled to the window. He saw the tube Bev meant and tried to see inside to where it went but couldn’t. 

“Richie?” He asked softly. No response. Fear gripped him, his brain instantly conjuring up terrible images. 

He shook his head and tried again, louder. “Richie?”

“Hey! It’s an Eds.” Richie’s voice called back and Eddie relaxed slightly. He sounded tired, quiet, but alive. Eddie realized that some terrible part of him had thought that he wouldn’t be. 

“Hey, Bev told me about your set up.” 

“Pretty nifty, huh?”

“Yea, Richie. Nifty.” Eddie hesitated. What the hell was he supposed to say? There wasn’t anything big enough to thank him for what he did. 

“Thanks, for taking the fall.” He said, knowing it was insufficient. 

“Well you’re too cute for prison.”

“Richie-”

“And besides,” Richie continued, sounding petulant. “You needed to talk to your boyfriend.”

The apology Eddie had been forming dropped from his mind. “My  _ what _ ?”

“Billy boy, your boyfriend. Or do you call him something else? Snookems? Baby cakes?” Richie was teasing but Eddie heard the hurt in his voice.

Eddie stared at the window. The basement was dark, he couldn’t see the room or anything else. “Richie, Bill isn’t my boyfriend. He’s just a friend.” 

Richie was silent for so long that Eddie started to get worried. “Richie? Are you still in there?”

A quiet, shocked voice replied, “Really? So you’re not- are you-”

“I’m single Richie, always have been. Probably always will be.”

Richie’s voice was back to normal as he replied, “Aw Eds, don’t say that. I’d be happy to date ya, once I’m out of this hole.”

Normally, Eddie would have brushed off the comment. He already knew that it was just something that Richie said. But given what he’d done for Eddie, where he was, made Eddie asked, “Would you really?”

He heard Richie swallow then ask, “Would you want that?” 

Eddie laid his cheek in the grass, thinking what it would be like to date Richie. It made him smile, then blush furiously. 

He nodded then remembered Richie couldn’t see him. “I think- yea, yea I would.”

Richie whistled, low and long. “Shit. Can’t believe you’re confessing your love to me when I’m all locked up. Got a thing for jailbirds, Eds?” 

Eddie rolled his eyes, though some part of him was relieved that the confession didn’t change Richie. “Hardly. I’m just saying that maybe when you get out of there, I can thank you.” 

“Eds! Hot damn!”

“With a kiss!” Eddie said, flushing bright red. He ducked his head. “I’m going to go die now, goodbye.”

“No!” Richie called, like he actually expected Eddie to leave. “Don’t leave, Eds. I’d like that. A kiss, I mean.”

Eddie was grateful Richie couldn’t see him. He had a stupid grin on his face and was blushing like mad. He’d never felt like this, this thrill in his stomach, the excitement. 

“Okay.” Eddie said as quietly as he dared. 

“Fuck.” Richie exhaled. “You’re serious?”

“If you are.”

“I’m so damn serious, Eds. I’m going to bust out of this room and come show you how serious I am.”

Eddie giggled at Richie’s bravado. “With your one muscle?”

“I grew more. Hard time will do that.” 

Guilt replaced his joy as he remembered that Richie was locked up. He opened his mouth to apologize again but then saw Bev.

“Mrs. Smith is coming!” She said, gesturing for him to get up.

“I’ve gotta go Richie!” Eddie said. “I’ll come back if I can.” 

“See ya Eds - or, well, hear ya.” 

Richie may have said more but Bev was dragging him away. He ran back to Mike, feeling elated and scared and overjoyed. He let the mix of emotions roll over him and in the end, joy won. He was going to kiss Richie and, in that moment, every other problem seemed small in comparison. 

Richie wasn’t there for dinner or the rest of the evening. As Eddie prepared for bed, he wondered how long they’d keep Richie in there and hoped it was nearly over. Bev promised to take him back tomorrow but he didn’t want to think about Richie being down there for longer. 

He had just laid down when he heard voices outside his room.

“I expect you learned your lesson.” Mr. Smith was saying.

“Yes, sir.” Richie replied. 

“I’m glad you repented, son. Remember, if we confess our sins, Jesus will forgive us and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

“Yes, sir, I needed Jesus and his purification.”

Richie’s tone bordered on insolence and for a second, Eddie thought that Mr. Smith was going to yell but he didn’t. He simply said good night. 

Eddie was halfway across the room by the time the door opened. As Richie entered the room he stopped, not sure that Richie would actually want to see him. It was possible he’d want to be alone after the day he’d had, or that he’d changed his mind. 

“Eds,” Richie turned to him immediately, taking a few quick steps until he was in front of Eddie. They both stood there, not quite touching, staring at each other in the darkness.

“You’re out.” Eddie said. Then he chided himself for saying something so obvious. 

“I said what he wanted to hear. I needed to come back.” 

“Missed your bed?” 

Richie shook his head then raised his hand. Slowly, he moved it forward till he was cupping Eddie’s cheek. No one had ever touched Eddie so gently and he found himself leaning into it, enjoying the pressure of Richie’s hand against his skin. 

“Does that offer still stand?” Richie asked quietly. 

Eddie nodded then blurted out, “I’ve never kissed anyone before. I might suck at it.” He winced. He wasn't sure why he said it. 

“I’ve never kissed anyone that mattered.” It made Eddie feel better that he seemed nervous too. “I don’t think you’ll suck at it.”

Richie didn’t move until Eddie did, both of them leaving their eyes open until the last second. Eddie didn’t want to miss, the last thing he needed was his first kiss to be with Richie’s chin. 

But when their lips met his eyes shut and he relaxed. Richie’s lips were firm against his and his fingers pressed into Eddie’s cheek as they kissed. 

They moved back far too soon, both smiling at the other. “Wow,” Eddie said.

Richie’s smile grew. “Wow indeed. You really didn’t suck at it, Eds. At all.” 

Eddie flushed. “Shut up.”

He wasn’t sure what happened next, if they were supposed to talk or kiss more or something else. Luckily Richie didn’t seem to know either. They both stared at each other for a minute, still smiling. 

“Do you want to sleep with me again?” Eddie asked, pointing to his bed. Then, realizing what he’d said, shook his head furiously. “No, not like that!” 

Richie was already laughing, covering his mouth his with hand to stifle the noise. Eddie flushed deep red and started to move back but Richie pulled him close, hugging him as his shoulders shook.

“I’d love to sleep next to you.” He said once his laughing stopped. He kissed Eddie’s cheek then pulled back, going to change clothes as Eddie crawled into bed. A second later, Richie was there too, holding him close. 

Eddie moved back, trying to get as close as he could as guilt rose in his throat. He suddenly felt sick over how happy he was. Richie had kissed him and Eddie had liked it. He liked this, having Richie close to him and pressed against him and part of him could only focus on how wrong it was. He wasn’t supposed to share a bed with a boy, to kiss another boy. His stomach twisted into knots as he tried to fall asleep, thinking how disappointed his mom would be if she knew. 

He could picture her so clearly, sobbing over him, wailing about how she must have done something wrong, must have raised him wrong. 

He dreamt of it. Of his mom’s broken cries. Dream Eddie tried to apologize, to say that it wasn’t dirty or wrong, that he wasn’t broken! But as he said it, Mr. Smith appeared with a hammer. He hit Eddie and shattered him into a million pieces as his mom rushed forward, trying to collect all of them. The sharp edges made her hands bleed but she kept trying. Eddie was sobbing and screaming that he was sorry but she couldn’t hear him, his mouth was shattered into three pieces. 

Eddie woke up curled into a tight ball. He raised a hand, feeling his tear stained cheeks and took a long breath before flipping over to look at Richie. The other boy was on his back, snoring lightly. It was still hours before they had to wake up. He didn’t understand how he could feel so happy and pained at the same time. 

Hesitantly, Eddie scooted in, nuzzling under Richie’s arm. He felt safe there, like he could push the nightmares back. At least for now.

Richie’s arm wrapped around his shoulder and Eddie finally fell into a dreamless sleep. 

“Time to wake up!” Mrs. Smith’s loud voice echoed through the halls. “Time to praise our Lord for another day, another chance.”

Eddie woke up with a groan, stretching. When he opened his eyes, he saw Richie staring at him.

“You’re cute when you wake up.” He whispered, pushing some of Eddie’s hair aside. 

Eddie frowned. “Fuck you, I’m not.”

“So cute.” He repeated, his hand going to the back of Eddie’s head. “I’d like to kiss you.” 

“I have morning breath.” Eddie mumbled, knowing that he was blushing again. 

“I don’t care.”

Richie waited, watching Eddie until he nodded. Then he leaned up, brushing their lips together. Desire rushed through Eddie. He wanted to crawl on top of Richie, to let his hands roam over the other boy’s chest, to kiss him in other places. 

The feeling surprised Eddie. He’d thought of kissing other boys before but nothing more. Deep guilt hit him next, knowing that he shouldn’t feel that way. 

Richie pulled back, looking at him curiously. “Are you okay?”

He nodded. “I’m fine but- we should get up, right? Don’t want to get caught.” He didn’t wait for an answer, slipping out of bed and getting dressed. He could feel Richie’s eyes on him, silently asking what was wrong but he didn’t turn around to look. He knew that Richie would just tell him to get over it, that he wasn’t sick and this wasn’t wrong and it wasn’t what Eddie needed to hear.

Before they left the room, Eddie squeezed Richie’s hand, hoping to convey that it wasn’t his fault. Richie smiled at him, looking relieved, and the two went downstairs, stepping apart as they reached the first floor. 

“We’ll be dividing you up for therapy today. Small group sessions.” Mr. Smith said over breakfast. “Eddie, Mike and Mary, you three will be in group one. Follow me.” 

Eddie glanced at Richie, wondering what was going on but Richie only shrugged. The three of them went into the small room. The chairs were pulled into a tight circle and Mr. Smith ushered for them to sit.

“Today we’ll be discussing why you three have these sinful urges. As much as the liberal media wants to tell you that you were simply born that way, you weren’t. You were born pure and beautiful but something corrupted you, changed you.” His eyes turned to Eddie. “Do you know what that was, boy?” 

Eddie quickly shook his head, not sure if Mr. Smith wanted an answer.

“When your mother called us and asked for help, I asked about your childhood and what had happened in it. I needed the details, to understand you so that I could help you.” The man’s intense gaze stayed on Eddie. He wanted to look away but he couldn’t. 

“Do you know what she told me?”

Another head shake. Eddie wound his hands in his lap, trying not to fidget. 

Mr. Smith nodded, looking disappointed that Eddie couldn’t connect the dots on his own. “Tell us about your dad, Eddie.” 

He gulped. Eddie hadn’t been expecting that. Not at all. “My- my dad?” Mr. Smith nodded. “He’s dead.” 

“I know that son.” Mr. Smith laid a hand on his shoulder and Eddie had to remind himself not to recoil. “Tell us about him.”

He swallowed then looked at Mike and Mary, unsure where to start. “My dad was a mechanic. He loved me and my mom. He was strong and smart and always used to read me stories.” Eddie didn’t have many memories of him but he remembered that, remembered being curled up in bed and feeling safe because his dad was there. He’d read Eddie story after story, always doing voices for the characters. Eddie fell asleep to him reading more times than he could count. 

“Then?” Mr. Smith prompted.

“He - he got sick. I was only six, I didn’t know what was happening, only that he couldn’t play with me. He’d still read to me though. I brought books to the hospital and he’d read to me there.” Eddie remembered complaining about how itchy the sheets were, asking his dad when he was coming home. He didn’t understand why his dad couldn’t just tell him. It had made him mad, pounding his small fists on the bed as he cried. 

“He had cancer.” Eddie continued, his voice growing quieter. “Terminal. He was dead within six months.” 

Eddie remembered when his mom told him, one day after school. He had nodded, not understanding what that meant and had gone to his room. Later that night, he’d asked when his dad was coming home and she’d screamed at him, telling him that he wasn’t, ever. She’d collapsed into tears and Eddie had thought that he was the reason his dad left, because of his tantrum in the hospital. 

For months, Eddie had tried so hard to be perfect, so his dad would come home. Until he finally understood that he would never come back.

“You loved your dad, didn’t you Eddie? The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him." Mr. Smith was quoting the bible again but Eddie ignored it. He nodded, stuck in the memory of his father. 

“He was your rock, your world.”

Another nod. 

“And when he died?”

“Everything broke.” Eddie replied, his voice trembling. He felt the first hot tear fall from his eyes, landing on his dull gray shirt. “Everything changed.” 

His mom had become more protective, she stopped letting him go outside, made him sit on the sidelines during playtime. Eddie had been teased mercilessly for it, called a sissy and a girly boy. Only Bill had been nice to him, kept talking to him. 

“Exactly. Now you see. That event, that trauma, that’s why you’re gay. Something in you broke and Satan crawled in the crack, changing you into this aberration. Do you understand, Eddie?”

At first, Eddie couldn’t answer. His shoulders were shaking as he cried into his hands. When he looked up, Mr. Smith was staring at him hopefully. Mike looked like he wanted to reach out, to pull Eddie into a hug. Mary was staring at her hands. 

“Do you see, Eddie? Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10.” Mr. Smith’s hand tightened on his shoulder, bringing Eddie’s gaze back to him. 

“Do you understand? You had a traumatic experience but that doesn’t mean you need to stay on this path, you can still be saved. You can make your mother proud. You were young, weak, but we are here to help you. That event need not define your life.” 

Eddie could only nod. Mr. Smith moved his attention to Mary. Eddie barely heard her story or Mike’s, too lost in his own head. He tried not to think about his dad, it was too hard. It brought back too much guilt- how is mom needed him because his dad was gone, how he needed to be the man of the house. Then Eddie’s own shame, that he’d been upset that his dad wasn’t coming home again. Eddie had hated him with all the fury a child could, until he finally understood. 

When they were released, Eddie wanted to disappear, to be alone, but Richie was standing outside the door. When he saw Eddie, he rushed to him, eyes concerned. “Eds, what happened? Are you okay?”

“I’m-” Eddie couldn’t even get the words out before a fresh sob threatened to escape. 

He saw Richie reach for him but as he did, a harsh voice called, “Richie! Don’t touch other boys.” Mr. Smith snapped. “Now get inside, it’s your turn.” 

Eddie didn’t look up as Richie left, instead staring at the ground. 

“Come on.” Eddie looked up to see Mike. “Come with me.” 

“We’ll get in trouble.” 

Mike shook his head. “Mrs. Smith is out grocery shopping and Mr. Smith is fucking up the next group.”

Still, he hesitated. He wanted to be alone, to cry in privacy, but Mike waited and eventually he nodded, following the boy up to his room. 

“Richie would probably hate me for having you alone in my room.” Mike joked as he bent down and pried up a loose floorboard. Eddie walked over, seeing that Mike had a stash of things in there, including chocolate. 

“Don’t tell Jake.” Mike said, grabbing the chocolate and replacing the board. “His heart is in the right place but he bought into all the shit they’re selling.” He broke off a square and handed it to Eddie before taking some for himself and sitting on his bed.

Eddie followed, sitting on the far side. Carefully, he bit into the square, letting the flavor melt over his tongue. “Where’d you get this?” He asked. 

“Stan. He set up a PO box for me and sometimes, when we’re good, the Smiths bring us to town. I check it when I go. He’s sent me other things too.” Mike smiled warmly and Eddie felt a stab of jealousy over how easy it seemed for Mike. He was so certain in himself. Eddie never felt certain of anything.

Mike watched him for a few minutes, then carefully said, “He’s wrong, you know, Mr. Smith. Your dad dying didn’t make you gay. That doesn’t even make sense.”

Eddie didn’t reply. Instead, he drew his legs to his chest, still nibbling on the chocolate. 

“He’s not a psychiatrist, he’s not trained in this shit. All he knows is how to scare us.” 

Mike finished and sat quietly, letting Eddie think. Eddie liked that about Mike, that he didn’t push. 

After a few minutes, Eddie spoke. “But what if he is right? If my dad hadn’t died maybe I’d be fine.” 

“Oh Eddie.” Mike’s voice sounded so sad that Eddie looked up. His eyes were focused on Eddie and his mouth was turned into a deep frown. “You are fine. Being gay isn’t a punishment or because of some trauma.”

“How do you know?” 

“Because plenty of people have gone through shit and they’re straight. And plenty of gay people still have two living parents. That logic is bullshit.” 

Eddie rubbed his thumb along the welts in his palm, a nervous habit he was quickly developing, and nodded. Mike seemed so sure and Eddie wanted to believe him. He wanted to think he wasn’t sick. 

“Richie and I kissed.” Eddie confessed, still rubbing the welts. It hurt to touch them but somehow it made him feel better. 

“Finally.” Mike joked. Then, softer, “Did you like it?” 

Eddie hesitated then nodded, remembering how Richie’s lips felt on his. “A lot.” 

“It’s okay to like boys Eddie. To want to kiss them. Just because our families and the Smiths don’t think so - lots of other places don’t care.”

“Like where?” He had never considered that there may be places he wasn’t a freak, an outsider.

“Big cities. New York, San Fran. Stan and I are going to move there after high school. We already decided.” Mike smiled at him. “You and Richie should come too.” 

Eddie let himself imagine it for a second. He’d never thought about moving away from his mom. It had always been clear that he was expected to stay with her and take care of her. 

But thinking about being in a big city, being with Richie in one, it made Eddie’s heart soar. Just the idea of walking down the street and holding hands with Richie put a smile on his face. 

“Maybe Mike, maybe.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like this! I have a request for all of you- please don't comment on this (or the tumblr post, or anywhere) asking me when Im going to update or with something that just says 'please update' or 'update?' I work really hard on my fics and when I get comments like that, without even an explanation of why you like the fic or why you're looking forward to an update, that's pretty demoralizing for me (and other authors, don't do it to them either).   
I love love love reading your comments and Im really happy people like the story but like... please don't leave comments like that.  
Thank you!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dating Richie was equally amazing and impossible. He’d known the other boy was affectionate, he liked to grab Eddie’s hand or try to kiss him when they were alone for any length of time. Each time made Eddie nervous, like he was doing something terrible whenever their lips touched. He told Richie the first week that he was too scared of getting caught and, thankfully, Richie had backed off, only holding Eddie at night when he was sure no one would see. He wished he could be as brave as Richie, as unafraid, but that wasn’t Eddie, especially now. The cuts on his hands had turned to scars and part of him knew he’d always have scars from the encounter. 
> 
> He didn’t want to take home any other scars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Conversion therapy, child abuse, blood

The next few weeks went quickly, something that Eddie would have never expected. He was living in a literal nightmare, told every day that he was sick and broken. The lessons with the Smiths got harder, forcing the kids to break down several times and to renounce their feelings or risk punishment. There were lessons all about how evil it was to be gay, how they didn’t actually like the other sex, they just wanted to be like them. 

Those teachings left Eddie drained, usually in tears as he struggled to understand who he was and how everything fit. 

But then the nights. The nights made things better. The two would curl up together, Richie holding Eddie as he fell asleep, telling him about all the things that they would do when they were older, when they left this place. Richie was always there to pick up the pieces of Eddie, to tell him that things would get better. And Eddie always believed him.

Dating Richie was equally amazing and impossible. He’d known the other boy was affectionate, he liked to grab Eddie’s hand or try to kiss him when they were alone for any length of time. Each time made Eddie nervous, like he was doing something terrible whenever their lips touched. He told Richie the first week that he was too scared of getting caught and, thankfully, Richie had backed off, only holding Eddie at night when he was sure no one would see. He wished he could be as brave as Richie, as unafraid, but that wasn’t Eddie, especially now. The cuts on his hands had turned to scars and part of him knew he’d always have scars from the encounter. 

He didn’t want to take home any other scars. 

Eddie also got to know Mike and Bev more. They were there when Richie couldn’t be, when they were ordered to do chores or when the Smith’s decided that Eddie and Richie were getting too close. He trusted them completely, something that was rare for him. Bev’s mischievous streak and Mike’s calm nature got him through some of the rough patches. They were his friends and he already couldn’t imagine life without them. 

He’d been there nearly two months, two months of sermons and being told everything he did was a sin, two months without talking to Bill or his other friends, two months of self doubt and torture. He was still constantly conflicted over what he believed. When Eddie was with Richie, he felt so sure that something so pure couldn’t be bad or evil but as soon as he heard the sermons, all his doubt and fear came back and he didn’t know what to think.

His mom had come to visit once, crowing over how proud she was of him, how much better he seemed. She hadn’t let him get a word in edgewise, which was fine because he didn’t know what to tell her. He didn’t hate it here, he’d made his first real friends, admitted many things to himself, but she didn’t want to hear any of that. She wanted to hear from the Smiths how well he was doing, she wanted to see how much better he was, she didn’t care what he had to say. 

“Just think Eddiekins, you could be home before school starts! Cured and ready for your junior year!” She said, pinching his cheeks as she left. She was so damn proud of him that he couldn’t do anything but nod. Despite everything, he still loved her and he’d hugged her extra long as she left. 

Then Eddie saw Richie watching, saw the pain in his eyes at the thought of Eddie leaving. They hadn’t talked about that, about what it would mean and Eddie didn’t want to think about it. Wanting to stay here was insane but the thought of leaving- 

He was constantly conflicted. It felt like the two sides of him were constantly at war and Eddie never knew which one to listen to. 

“Good news!” Mrs. Smith said, sweeping into the room where Richie and Eddie were doing a puzzle. Less than a minute ago, Richie had been on top of Eddie, tickling him, the two laughing as Eddie’s hands slid over Richie’s shoulders but Richie had pulled back as soon as they’d heard footsteps, resuming their previous PG pose. Eddie was sure he was still red from it but Mrs. Smith didn’t seem to notice. 

“What, Mrs. Smith?” Eddie asked when it was clear she was waiting for an answer. 

“I have decided to bring you both to town with me. You’ve both shown such good behavior and I want to reward you. After all, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. Second Corinthians.” She paused, smiling at them. Eddie still wasn’t used to the random bible quoting. Bev and Richie had a theory that the Smiths didn’t actually have it all memorized, that they just made it up but Eddie wasn’t sure. 

“We’ll be shopping for Mary’s graduation.” She added. “A day that is sure to be blessed from the good Lord himself.”

The graduation. It was all they’d been hearing about. Mr. and Mrs. Smith had declared Mary officially ‘cured’, meaning that they thought they had fixed her, that she was straight now. Eddie wasn’t sure if that was true or if she was just a good liar. Either way, she was ‘graduating’ from the program and going home. He was jealous, watching her pack and knowing that soon she’d be sleeping in her own bed. He sensed that Mike felt the same. He’d been quieter since the announcement, like he wished it was him.

The event was going to be a small thing, just all of them and her parents. Richie and Bev had told him and Mike about it, since they’d both seen several before. It sounded boring but it was mandatory, the whole week had been about preparing for the event. Eddie was mostly excited to have cake. 

“We leave in thirty minutes.” Mrs Smith called as she left the room. “I expect you both to be waiting outside in clean clothes.”

“Yes, ma'am,” Eddie called, shoving Richie off him as he did. The minute she left the room, Richie had crawled over to him, pressing himself alongside Eddie.

“Hear that, Eds? We’ll be in town, alone.” He wiggled his eyebrows and Eddie laughed, pushing him again. 

“She’s not going to leave us alone.” Eddie said, “You know that.” He reached up to adjust Richie’s glasses, which always seemed to be askew. Richie’s grabbed his hand, kissing Eddie’s palm then forearm, pushing him back down onto the floor again and straddling him. 

“I’ll take whatever we can get. Five minutes, ten-”

“Like you could last ten minutes.” Eddie joked, making them both flush then laugh. Richie was rubbing off on Eddie, he’d never made sex jokes before but it was hard to be around Richie and not start. 

Really, it was hard to be around Richie and not think about sex. Eddie had always assumed he’d wait until his wedding night but he’d also never been interested in it before. Now, with Richie constantly touching him and pressed against him, Eddie realized exactly how interested he was. It thrilled and terrified him, like everything with Richie did.

“You’re perfect.” Richie muttered, his eyes getting a soft look that Eddie recognized. It was one that Richie got before he said something that made Eddie blush but also made worry build in him. Richie always seemed so sure about them, about their future, talking about how he and Eddie were going to live together after all this, about how they’d be together. It all scared Eddie. The emotions were too big for him and he didn’t know how to process them.

So he didn’t.

“You aren’t.” He said, kissing his cheek and pulling himself out from under Richie. “But I like you anyway. Come on,” He stood, offering his hand. “Let’s see if Mike wants us to check the PO box.”

Richie nodded, eagerly taking Eddie’s hand until they reached the doorway where, without needing to discuss it, both dropped their hold. 

They were outside and ready to go in twenty minutes, Mike had given them the combo to the PO Box and Bev had slipped them money for cigarettes. Eddie was practically vibrating with excitement, it was the first time he’d been off the farm since he got there. If you had asked him three months ago if he’d be excited to run errands, the answer would have been no but a lot had changed since then. 

“Okay, you boys need to stay near me. We’ll be going to the grocery store and then to get balloons for the party.” Mrs. Smith said as she pulled into a parking spot. 

“Yes, ma’am.” They echoed, glancing at each other in the back seat. The plan was for Richie to claim to need the bathroom and he’d pick up smokes and then Eddie would get lost and go to the PO Box. He was trying not to be nervous about it, the others assured him that they did it all the time but Eddie wasn’t sneaky. He didn’t want to get caught and ruin things for everyone. 

“We’ll get groceries first. You two go get ice cream, plain vanilla. Meet me back here in five minutes.” She told them sternly, grabbing a cart.

Both nodded then took off quickly. As soon as they were out of view of her, Richie grabbed Eddie’s hand. 

He jerked back. “Richie!” He hissed, looking around to see if any of the other customers had noticed.

“She can’t see us!” Richie said, reaching for him again. “Come on Eds, five whole minutes of hand holding in public! It’s almost a proper date.” Richie held his hand out, palm up, and looked at him hopefully. 

Eddie shook his head firmly and Richie’s face fell. “Why not?” 

“Richie, we’re in public! People can see us!” He tried to keep the terror out of his voice but it snuck in anyway. “They’ll see us holding hands and they’ll know-” He paused, realizing he’d gone too far. But Richie already knew what he had been planning to say. 

“That we’re together? That we’re gay?” Richie’s voice turned low and harsh. “What’s wrong with that?” 

Eddie balked, trying to think of an excuse. “I don’t want Mrs Smith to see-”

“What if you knew she wouldn’t? Would you hold my hand then?"

He swallowed, trying to make himself say what he knew Richie wanted to hear. But he took too long and Richie nodded slowly, like he’d expected it. “You wouldn’t.” He sounded disappointed and that was harder to swallow than anger. 

“Richie, come on-” Eddie reached out but it was too late. Richie had already taken several steps back. He looked hurt, like Eddie had said the worst possible thing. 

“I’m going to get the cigarettes and then going to the PO Box. You can stay here since you’re so scared.” 

Eddie’s face burned with the shame of being called out. He didn’t try to stop Richie though, there was nothing he could say. Richie was right, Eddie didn’t want people to know they were together. The thought of it terrified him, knowing that people would judge them for it.

He had tried to explain it once, when Richie was talking about how cool it would be to go to prom together. Eddie had asked him how he could handle that, people staring and judging them. Richie had given him that same disappointed look, like Eddie was a failure for being so afraid. He’d known then that Richie would never understand his fear, his worry. 

So he took the five minutes then grabbed the ice cream and headed back to where Mrs. Smith was looking at vegetables. Offering to help run for other items bought Richie a few more minutes and then he was back, looking a little bulkier but nothing she’d notice. 

The rest of the trip was quiet enough that she commented on it, saying how well behaved the boys were being. Except it wasn’t that. It was that Richie wouldn’t even look at Eddie and Eddie was trying to hold back tears. They’d never fought, not really. They weren’t alone often enough for it. And now the first chance they had to be alone, Eddie had blown it, ruining everything. He wasn’t surprised when Richie disappeared the minute they got back, probably going to talk to Bev. Mrs. Smith asked him to help her bring in the groceries and he was stuck with her for the next hour. 

They didn’t get a chance to talk until that night, when they were alone in their room. Eddie watched as Richie laid down in his bed, something he hadn’t done in weeks.

“Richie-” Eddie started but he didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t like Richie or Mike, he wasn’t comfortable like they were. The thought of telling people he was gay still terrified him and some days he wished that he could shove it all back down, pretend this wasn’t who he was. It would be so much easier. 

“I don’t want to be in the closet, Eds. I don’t. I’m not ashamed of who I am or who I’m with.” It barely sounded like Richie, the words were so solemn. “If you do- if you are-”

“Richie!” Eddie stood, rushing over to him, kneeling next to Richie’s bed. “I’m not ashamed of you. I’m not.” He paused, trying to get himself to stop trembling. He ran a hand over Richie’s cheek, brushing his finger over Richie’s lips. It was one of the first times he’d initiated touch and he could tell how much Richie liked it. He sighed happily, kissing Eddie’s fingers. 

“Then what?” Richie asked, his breath warming Eddie’s hand. 

“I’m scared, Richie. I’m scared of what people will think, what they’ll say or do-”

Richie scrambled to sit up, grabbing Eddie’s hands and squeezing them. “I’ll protect you, Eds, from all of them, from anyone.”

“It’s not that easy.” 

Richie tilted his head. “Of course it is. You and me against the world.” 

But what Eddie couldn’t say, couldn’t explain, was that he didn’t want to be against the world. He wanted to be a part of it, he wanted to belong. He didn’t want to fight every day, to deal with dirty looks and angry people. He wanted to be happy, for things to be quiet and easy. 

He couldn’t say that to Richie though, Richie who was so ready to take on the world, Richie who was full of fire and anger. Richie who would do amazing things, given half a chance. He was full of bravery and hope, two things Eddie lacked. 

“One day, Eds, we’ll run away from here, we’ll go live in the big city and we’ll be safe.” Richie said, mistaking his silence for agreement. “I promise.” He leaned in and kissed Eddie gently before pulling him into the bed, telling him about all the things they’d do together. 

Eddie wanted to say that he couldn’t promise that, that he couldn’t know, but he didn’t want to fight. Not anymore. So he let himself fall asleep in Richie’s arms, listening to Richie talk about their future. 

The next morning was Mary’s graduation and everyone was on cleaning duty. They even skipped morning prayers, which Eddie hadn’t even realized was an option. 

The graduation ceremony started at two pm, all of them were expected to be in the sitting room at 1:45, ready and waiting. Eddie was nearly late because he’d been the last to shower but he wasn’t the last one there. Mike wasn’t in his seat either. 

Eddie shot Richie a look as he took his seat but Richie just shrugged. He didn’t know either. There was no time to talk before Mary’s parents walked in, stern looking people who barely glanced at any of them. 

Richie and Bev had been right, the whole thing was painfully boring. It was all about giving yourself up to God and promising to provide him with many children. Mary looked deeply uncomfortable but she said her lines and nodded when told. It was over in under an hour and Mike had never showed. The Smiths didn’t say anything about his absence, which made Eddie nervous. They clearly knew where he was but weren’t saying. 

“Please meet us outside for refreshments.” Mr. Smith said. “And may the Lord ever smile on this child.” He patted Mary’s shoulder and Eddie watched as she strained to keep a smile on her face.

“Wait!” Bev hissed as everyone filed out. She grabbed Richie’s hand and he grabbed Eddie’s, keeping him in the room. Eddie glanced at the others but they all seemed too preoccupied with Mary to worry.

“I know where Mike is.” Bev said, her eyes full of worry. Eddie knew what she was going to say before she spoke. 

“Why?” Richie asked and Eddie was sure he’d reached the same conclusion. That Mike was in the basement, in that terrible small room. 

“They found his stash.” Bev explained. “I heard it all. I guess he was reading a letter from Stan and Mr. Smith walked in.” She swallowed, biting her bottom lip, “I heard Mike start apologizing, begging him not to be angry, as Mr. Smith yelled. He kept talking about hellfire and damnation and then-” She paused and Eddie wrapped his arms around himself, barely wanting to hear the rest.

“He started to hit Mike with his belt. I heard- I heard him screaming. He sounded like he was in so much pain. He begged for Mr. Smith to stop but he didn’t. He just kept hitting him. I’ve never heard Mike cry like that, never. He kept telling Mr. Smith to stop but he didn’t.” Richie moved in, wrapping his arms around Bev as she started to cry. 

Eddie raised his hand to his cheek, not surprised to find that it was wet. He couldn’t barely believe it. Mike, who was the kindest of them all. Mike, who had shared his chocolate. Mike, who was now locked in the basement, beaten and bruised. 

His stomach threatened to expel his breakfast. 

But Bev wasn’t done. 

“Mike didn’t even fight back as Mr. Smith dragged him by. I saw him, I was watching from my room. I wanted to help but-”

“Bev, you couldn't.” Richie said, understanding her pain. “He would have thrown you down there too.”

She nodded, swallowing before she continued. “Mike had blood running down the side of his face. He looked awful. When Mr. Smith came back-” She stopped, like this was the worst of it. “He took all the letters and burned them, everything Stan had sent while praying for Mike’s soul.” 

Eddie gasped and Richie held Bev a little tighter. It was bad enough that he’d hurt Mike but all of them knew how much those letters meant. Mike saved them all, saying they were the only things that got him through this place. Eddie had watched him carefully folding them before packing them away. Stan sent Mike flowers and he saved those too, keeping them tucked away. They were Mike’s most cherished possessions and Mr. Smith had destroyed them. Eddie felt himself crumple.

Richie, on the other hand, looked irate, like he was ready to storm a castle. 

“We have to get him out!” Richie said, looking wildly from Bev to Eddie. “We have to!”

“Richie, how?” Eddie asked. He didn’t even know where to start the idea was so impossible. “And once we did? What then?”

“We’ll call, Stan. Mike always kept the phone in a different place. He’ll come get us.” Richie turned to Bev, taking her hands in his own. “We’ve talked about it. Mike is nearly eighteen. We can leave. We can be free. Fuck this place.” 

Bev’s eyes hardened and she nodded. “We leave. Tonight.” 

“Eds?” Both of them turned to Eddie, two sets of hopeful eyes.

Eddie shook his head. “I can’t- I-” 

“Please,” Richie moved to him, cupping Eddie’s cheek. “I can’t leave without you. Please, Eds.” Eddie saw his own fear and doubt reflected in those eyes. He knew that Richie was right, they had to help Mike. Everything else could be handled later.

So he nodded. Both of them whooped and then started planning. They needed to do it tonight because the Smith’s would be distracted by the party and, though no one said it, they were all worried about how badly Mike was injured. 

Bev snuck upstairs to call Stan and tell him everything. Eddie went out to the party, making excuses for them, and Richie went to talk to Mike. All afternoon Eddie kept glancing at the Smiths, sure that they knew, that they could tell. They didn’t look at him though, too busy talking up their program to Mary’s parents. Eddie told himself that that was good, he wasn’t sure he could stand up to any sort of questioning from them. 

It wasn’t until later, over evening chores, that they others could fill him in on the full plan. Mary’s party had gone long but the Smiths refused to excuse them from chores, saying idle hands were the devil’s plaything. Bev was supposed to be mending socks but she’s snuck away to see them. 

“Stan will be here at midnight. He sounded furious. He might break Mike out on his own.” Bev seemed impressed, like she hadn’t expected Mike’s boyfriend to have such fire. “He said of course he’d help us get out of here.” 

“How are we breaking him out?” Eddie asked. He didn’t know any of the details and part of him didn’t want to. That way if they were caught, he wouldn’t have to lie. 

“The Smiths keep the key in their room. We just have to sneak in and get it. We’ll pack up, get the key, rescue Mike.” Richie explained. “Easy peasy.”

Eddie felt like this whole plan was anything but. He twisted his hands, looking from Bev to Richie. “Won’t they wake up?”

“We’ll just be extra quiet.” Richie turned to look at him, taking Eddie’s hands and squeezing them. “Eds, this is our way out, our escape. We can finally go to the big city!”

Eddie’s stomach churned, terrified of all the things that could go wrong and of what would happen if everything went right. He could never go home again, never face his mom. He’d be a runaway, on his own at seventeen. 

Richie and Bev didn't noticed his discomfort, instead hashing out the details. Bev would get the key while Richie and Eddie packed. Then they’d all go downstairs to help Mike.

“How did he sound?” Bev asked, glancing at Richie. He just shook his head. 

Eddie and Richie didn’t sleep at all, instead they held each other, going over the plan again and again. 

“We’re leaving, Eds.” Richie whispered later that night as he kissed Eddie’s forehead. “We can be together, we can be safe.”

Eddie could only nod. 

Before he knew it, Bev was softly knocking on their door. Richie opened it and gave her a swift hug. Everything depended on her getting the key and she knew it. Eddie barely dared to breathe as she snuck into the Smith’s room. She was gone for what felt like hours but eventually she emerged, grinning broadly. Eddie saw something flash in her hand.

“Let’s go!” She whispered, all of them grabbing their bags and Mike’s and hurrying downstairs. Once there, they left them by the door and headed to the basement. Everyone held their breath as they descended. Eddie’s nose wrinkled from the smell, damp and decay. He put his shirt over his mouth, not wanting to breathe it in. 

The others led him to the room where Bev unlocked the door. There, slumped against the wall, was Mike. He was covered in blood, his shirt torn and one of his eyes was swollen shut. But he smiled when he saw them. 

“You guys here for me?” Mike asked, trying to make his voice light.

“Nah, we were looking for Elvis but you’ll do.” Richie said, rushing in to hug him. Eddie didn’t fail to notice how Mike practically collapsed onto him. Bev was next, slotting herself under his other arm. 

Then Mike looked at Eddie, giving him a small smile. His lip was cut and every time he smiled, it bled a bit more. Eddie wished they had time to clean him up. It made Eddie furious, that they would do this to Mike, the gentlest person he’d ever met. 

“Good to see you, Eddie.”

“Wish I could say the same, Mike.” Eddie said quietly as they began to move him. It was hard to ignore how injured he was. Every step seemed to be torture for him and Eddie couldn’t bear to think about how much pain he was in. 

Finally, they reached the top of the stairs and went outside. Idling in the driveway was a van and as soon as they came outside, a curly haired boy rushed over to them, gently taking Mike’s face in his palms and kissing him. 

“I’ll kill them.” The boy said, stepping back to look at Mike. There were tears in his eyes that he didn’t bother to hide. “Those fuckers.” He spat, glaring at the house.

“Stan, I’ll be okay.” Mike said, smiling at him. “I’m with you again.”

“Even now, you’re a fucking sap.” Stan shook his head then he looked at the others. “I’m Stan. Mike gets the back seat, you guys can go wherever.” 

They started to move, Eddie threw the bags in the back while the others got Mike in. Then Bev called shotgun and crawled into the front seat. 

“Fuck I wish we could burn the place down or something.” Richie said, looking at the house and shaking his head. Then he turned to Eddie, offering him his hand, “Looks like we’re in the back.” 

Eddie shook his head, taking a step back. “I’m not going.”

Shock then disbelief passed over Richie’s face. He laughed uncomfortably. “Funny Eds, this is a terrible time to get a sense of humor.” He grabbed Eddie’s hand, pulling him to the van. “Come on, before they wake up.”

Eddie didn't move. “I’m not. Richie, I can’t.” 

Richie dropped his hand, the words seeming to hit him like a brick. “What- what do you mean?”

“I can’t leave. I’ve got my mom, my life. I can’t just abandon that for-”

“Me?” Richie’s voice was the smallest he’d ever heard it. “For us? For happiness?”

“That’s not fair.” Eddie protested. He wished he had more time to explain, to say everything but he didn’t. He desperately wanted Richie to understand but he never would. “This is your dream, not mine. Richie we’re seventeen, we haven’t even graduated high school. What the hell is your plan?”

“To leave!” Richie said it too loudly and Eddie saw him glance at the house. “To run away and never fucking look back.”

Eddie shook his head again. “I have people who love me Richie. I can’t just disappear.” 

Richie’s voice shook with his next words and there were tears in his eyes. “I love you, Eddie. Isn’t that enough?”

It was the first time Richie had said it, though Eddie had suspected it before. He had hoped Richie would never say it because he knew he couldn’t say it back. He wasn’t there, wasn’t ready. 

Now, he’d never get to.

“No Richie, it’s not enough.” His voice trembled as he said it but Richie didn’t notice- or didn’t care. He took a step back, as if physically pulling himself away from Eddie. 

Richie’s sadness quickly shifted to anger. “Fine. Stay here. Get ‘cured’,” He put the word in sarcastic quotes. “I don’t care, Eddie. I don’t fucking care.” 

With that, Richie turned and ran to the van. Eddie didn’t stop him. He saw Stan and Bev turn to talk to him but couldn’t hear anything. A minute later, it was pulling out of the driveway and Eddie was left alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I've said I've had this fic in my head for well over a year and honestly this was always how this chap ended. So long planned angst.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A knock on his door made him look up from his salad. Carolyn was there, peeking in. “Did you read your messages yet?”
> 
> “Shit.” He said, looking down at the pieces of paper. “No, why? What’s the biggest fire?” In his line of work, it wasn’t about asking if something was on fire because something always was. Carolyn was there to tell him where to focus his attention first. 
> 
> “Nothing bad for once.” She pointed to the messages. “Read the third one. The gentleman is on line two.” 
> 
> He frowned, it wasn’t like Carolyn to be vague but nodded. She smiled as she closed the door, leaving him alone. 
> 
> The note was in Carolyn’s familiar handwriting but the message took him back eight years. To a house that he still saw in his nightmares and to a boy that he was fairly certain had been his first love. 
> 
> ‘Richie Tozier called. Said he saw the article about you and wanted to catch up- who is this guy Eddie? He called you Eds! You hate nicknames so this has got to be something good!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, discussion of child abuse and trauma. Read safely all.

**Ten years later**

Eddie was running late. He felt like he was always running fucking late. There weren’t enough hours in the day for him to get everything done but dammit, he was going to try. Thankfully, he had a full mug of coffee- one that he had already burnt his mouth on but that hadn’t stopped him from drinking more of it as he rushed to his office, waving at his coworkers and trying to remember the new interns' names. 

(There were too many interns. He never expected that so many people would want to help.) 

“Eddie! You have some messages.” His assistant, Carolyn, called out, stopping him as he made a beeline for his office. “And a meeting with the Trevor Project at 9:30.” 

“Thanks!” He took the slips of paper, promising himself to look them over first thing.

He didn’t, of course, instead he sat down and opened his emails, reading the dozens of messages from kids who had been like him, who were begging for his help. He wrote back to the ones he could, the ones who said it was safe for him to reply. Others though, they just wanted to be heard, wanted someone to know that they were there and to feel like they weren’t alone. Those messages were always harder, especially if he only heard from them once. He’d spent many sleepless nights thinking about those emails, worried for kids he’d never met and would never get to meet. 

By lunchtime, he was exhausted. He loved his job, executive director of a non-profit dedicated to helping get LGBT youth out of unsafe environments. He’d transformed it from a small organization where everyone shared one office to a real company with grants and nearly fifty paid employees. He was damn proud of it, and of how many teens they’d helped. He tried to remind himself of that on the bad days and usually it was enough to get him through. On the days it wasn’t, well, that’s why alcohol was invented. 

A knock on his door made him look up from his salad. Carolyn was there, peeking in. “Did you read your messages yet?”

“Shit.” He said, looking down at the pieces of paper. “No, why? What’s the biggest fire?” In his line of work, it wasn’t about asking if something was on fire because something always was. Carolyn was there to tell him where to focus his attention first. 

“Nothing bad for once.” She pointed to the messages. “Read the third one. The gentleman is on line two.” 

He frowned, it wasn’t like Carolyn to be vague but nodded. She smiled as she closed the door, leaving him alone. 

The note was in Carolyn’s familiar handwriting but the message took him back eight years. To a house that he still saw in his nightmares and to a boy that he was fairly certain had been his first love. 

_ ‘Richie Tozier called. Said he saw the article about you and wanted to catch up- who is this guy Eddie? He called you Eds! You hate nicknames so this has got to be something good!’ _

Suddenly, Eddie felt like he couldn’t breathe. He had to close his eyes and count to ten to stop the memories from suffocating him. He’d spent a lot of time in therapy working through what had happened in that place- especially once Richie and the others had left. He wasn’t sure he was ready to relive all of that. 

Once he was sure he wasn’t going to have a panic attack, he opened his eyes, seeing that line two was still blinking at him. He debated what to do. The best option was probably to hang up, to leave the past in the past. He wasn’t the same person now that he had been then and he was sure the same was true for Richie. Was it worth dredging up old memories like this? 

Eddie’s hand moved before he even finished that thought, answering the phone. Part of him knew that he’d always pick up when Richie called, it wouldn’t matter if it was something crazy like twenty seven years later, he would have picked up.

“Hello?” 

“Shit, Eds? Eddie, is that you? I saw an article about you in some queer magazine and I- fuck, I don’t know. I had to call. You looked good. Like really fucking good. Fuck man, skip the gym once in a while, make the rest of us feel better. But like, shit, you’re a fucking big deal. Ok, I didn’t see the article, Mike did and he made me read it. Totally weird. I’m lucky he’s taken or he’d probably be the one calling you. I didn’t-”

Eddie smiled to himself as Richie rambled. It felt strange to hear him again, like coming home after being away. Familiar yet different. It made Eddie’s heart ache in a way few things did. Richie sounded good, healthy, and he couldn’t help but be a little relieved. He’d never tried to find the other man after that night, he was sure Richie hated him and Eddie wouldn’t have blamed him for it. 

“Shit, I’m still talking. I’m nervous, how fucking dumb is that? But I’ve thought about you a lot over the years, I fucking worried about you a lot. Wondered what happened to you. Are you still there? Is someone holding you hostage? Say pineapple if they are. But like, work it into a sentence, be casual about it, okay? Say like, ‘I love pineapple pizza’.” 

Eddie laughed. “I missed you.” He couldn’t believe how true it was. It shouldn’t be possible to miss someone as much as he did after so much time had passed. 

“I missed you too.” They were both quiet for a second then Richie spoke again. “Get dinner with me. Please. Anywhere you want.”

“Richie-” He didn’t know if that was a good idea. He didn’t know if he wanted to open the door to that part of his life again. He’d spent a lot of time trying to force it shut.

“Okay, fine, I’ll pay. I mean you’re some big shot president but I’ll foot the bill. I wanna see you, Eds. I- I need you see you.”

The desperation in Richie’s voice made him agree, and the fact that he wanted to see Richie just as badly, even if he didn’t want to admit it.

They set up a plan to meet that night, at a restaurant near where Eddie lived. He couldn’t say why he picked that place- because it was comfortable? Because he was hopeful the night would go well and he didn’t want a long cab ride? Or because he was worried it wouldn’t and wanted an easy escape. 

Those thoughts plagued him through the rest of the day, along with memories that he had tried to block out. He ended up leaving work early and going to the restaurant, ordering a drink and debating if he was a fool for agreeing to this. 

“Eds. Shit, it’s really you.” 

He stood, turning, and saw the first man he loved. Richie looked so different, his shoulders were broader, his hair was shorter, but that smile. That smile was the same. 

“Hi, Richie.” His voice was soft. He knew if anyone at work saw him now they wouldn’t recognize him. Eddie Kaspbrak, executive director, was confident and sure of himself. Eddie Kaspbrak, on a date with an old flame was the polar opposite. He shifted his weight, unsure what to do next. 

Luckily, Richie didn’t seem to have the same issue. He moved in like he was going for a hug and then stopped, extending his hand instead. Disappointment settled in Eddie’s stomach as he shook Richie’s hand. They stared at each other, both soaking in the differences that the years had made. Eddie couldn’t deny that he was still damn attracted to Richie though, especially when their handshake went on for several seconds too long. 

He shook his head, reminding himself that this wasn’t a date. Richie could be married for all he knew. He withdrew his hand, gesturing to the table. “Here, sit.” 

Richie continued to stare at him as they both sat. “Fuck Eds, I can’t believe it’s really you. When Mike sent me that article I - I didn’t believe it.” 

“So you still talk to Mike?” Eddie asked, finishing his drink. He hadn’t realized how hard this would be, seeing Richie again. 

“Yea, we’re roommates actually. Well, I’m the bonafide third wheel in their marriage.”

“Marriage?” 

Richie nodded, grinning. “Him and Stan. They got married about a week after we left, didn’t want to wait any longer so we pulled over in some small country court and got them good and married. No more living in sin for our boys. We threw rice and everything- well, we threw seeds, Stan said that rice was bad for birds so he wouldn’t let us throw it.” 

“What- what happened? When you left?” Eddie asked. He’d thought about it so often, especially at first, worried that they had been caught or hurt- or worse- but he didn’t have any way to contact Richie, to know if he was okay. 

Richie whistled. “That’s a damn long story, Eds.” 

The waiter appeared, interrupting them, but once they’d ordered appetizers and drinks, Eddie asked again. “I want to know, please.” 

Richie nodded. “I could never say no to you, Eds.” He leaned back, taking a sip of water. “Well, we got the hell out of dodge, drove South because being warm seemed like a good idea. We slept in the car- there was no way we could afford a hotel. Mike was in rough shape for a long time.” Richie shook his head. “Fuck, we were dumb. I wish we had known how to actually help him. He still has scars. Stan says they’re sexy.”

Richie paused, smiling at him. Eddie’s heart did a flip. “Once we realized that no one was chasing us we slowed down. I think we all spent the first few weeks thinking that the Smiths were gonna pop out from behind the bushes but they never did. They didn’t give a fuck what happened to us. We were really on our own.” Richie didn’t sound happy about that and Eddie’s heart ached for him, seventeen and alone in the world. It couldn’t have been easy. 

“We stopped in Florida and looked for work. Since our only real skills were farm work and running away, it wasn’t easy to find jobs. Slept in the car because we couldn’t afford rent. All of us worked odd jobs, whatever they would pay us for so we could eat the next day. I can still clean a deep fryer in under three minutes.” Richie flashed him a grin that Eddie didn’t return.

“That sounds- awful.” Eddie wasn’t sure he had a right to say that. Part of him felt like it was his fault, what Richie and the others had gone through, even though his therapist had told him many times that he couldn’t have done anything. 

“It was.” Richie admitted. “The hunger and waking up with Bev’s foot in my face wasn’t even the worst part.” Richie rolled his water glass between his hands, his voice growing softer. “I couldn’t- I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I was so mad at you Eds, mad and fucking worried. It took me years to understand why you didn’t come with us, with me.”

“Richie-” Eddie started to reach for him then stopped, his hand awkwardly hanging in the air between them. 

Again, Richie was always one to act when Eddie couldn’t. He leaned in and took Eddie’s hand, putting it on the table and covering it with his own before pressing their palms together as his fingers wrapped around Eddie’s wrist. “Didn’t get to hold it in public back then.” Richie commented, staring down at their hands. Butterflies erupted in Eddie’s stomach. He felt like he was seventeen again, doing something forbidden. 

“Anyway.” Richie tore his eyes from their hands. “We worked, struggled. Mike got a good job as a bouncer and we finally got a shitty little apartment. We all shared one bed for a while, I’m sure Stan and Mike loved that.”

“We got our GEDs. Stan got hired as a receptionist for an accounting firm. It was only a few months before they realized he was a smart dude so they hired him on, paying for him to get his associates then college degree.” Richie smiled and Eddie could see how proud he was of his friend.

“When Stan got promoted and moved to the Big Apple, all of us came with. Bev impressed some dude with her clothes and got hired by him, designing clothes. She’s really fucking good at it- all of us were her early models and thankfully, she’s gotten better at not poking people with pins. She lives with her girlfriend now. They’re so cute it’s disgusting.” Richie’s tone indicated that he didn’t really believe that. He pulled out his phone, showing Eddie a picture of Bev and a dark haired girl, curled up together on a couch. They looked completely in love. 

“And Mike-” Richie scrolled until he found a picture of Mike and Stan standing outside a bar called the Black Spot, their arms wound around each other’s waists. “Mike started as a bouncer at this place and now he co-owns it. He loves it, he gets to talk to people all day. It’s perfect for him.”

“What about you?” Eddie asked, watching as Richie showed him other pictures of the four of them, laughing and holding each other. Jealousy roared in Eddie but he tamped it down, knowing that it was his own fault that he wasn’t included in any of them. 

“I’m a radio DJ. They like people who can talk for hours. It’s my calling.” Richie grinned and Eddie smiled back. “We’re all doing okay. I never thought I’d say that but we are.” Richie’s tone was quiet again as he stared at a picture of the four of them, cuddled together in bed.

Then he looked back up at Eddie. “They all say hi by the way, they demanded a full report.”

“Do they hate me?” Eddie asked that because he couldn’t ask his real question- if Richie hated him. He didn’t know if he could handle the answer to either but he needed to know. 

“Stan might.” Richie replied. Eddie stiffened and Richie laughed, shaking his head. “I’m kidding, kidding. No, I think they did, at first. They did have to deal with me wailing about you and writing terrible love songs. I mean, they were truly awful. But Mike always seemed to understand. And Bev did later. Stan didn’t get to meet you, not really, but I think eventually he listened to Mike. He was pretty pissed at first though.” 

Richie paused as their appetizers and drinks came. When he spoke again, Eddie had the sense that he’d rehearsed his words many times. 

“What I asked of you Eddie, it wasn’t fair. I should never have asked you to give up everything for some stupid high school boyfriend.” 

“You weren’t just my stupid high school boyfriend.” Eddie said, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “You were-” He looked at their hands, still clasped together. “More than that. A lot more. I didn’t even realize what you meant to me until you were gone. I wish I had told you though, I wish I had tried but I couldn’t. I was so scared. Everything scared me. You were so sure of yourself, of us, and I wasn’t.” It was more than he had meant to say but the words tumbled out before he could stop them. 

“I wasn’t sure, Eds. Not at all.” Richie said. “I wanted to be though. I wanted to be the boyfriend you deserved.”

He squeezed Richie’s hand. “You were.” 

“I left you there, alone with them.” Richie shook his head. “On the days that I wasn’t mad at you, that’s all I could think about, what you were enduring because of us.” 

Eddie’s eyes fell as Richie quietly asked, “What happened, Eds? After we left?”

He took a long drink before he answered. He spent so much time trying not to think about this that actively explaining it seemed impossible. So he started slow. 

“Things got- worse. The Smiths were sure I was in on it and they were determined to punish me.”

“Eds-”

With his free hand, he moved his collar, showing a long thin scar on his collarbone. “Matches yours. Except that I have a few others. My dates love them.” Eddie said, trying to joke so he wouldn’t cry.

Richie was uncharacteristically silent as Eddie continued. “I spent a lot of time in that small room, listening as Mrs. Smith read me bible verses about obeying elders and other shit. I spent so long in there I forgot what it was like to not be in there.” Even now small spaces scared Eddie. When he got his first apartment, he’d left the bathroom door open for weeks, too scared to close it and be trapped. 

“What happened? Did you run?” 

He shook his head, pausing as their waiter came by for their dinner order. They both seemed to remember that they hadn’t touched their appetizers. Richie watched as Eddie picked up a fry, eating it slowly. 

“My mom came by, she was worried because she hadn’t heard from me. When she saw how I looked- I’d lost weight, covered in bruises- she flipped. I guess it’s the one saving grace of an overprotective mom.” He shrugged. “She took me home that day. I was in the hospital for weeks. I don’t remember a lot of it, I was pretty out of it.” His mom had told him a lot of things about the weeks following his time there. He didn’t know how much of it to believe. 

“Eventually, she got the place closed down. She had a lot of flaws but damn if she wasn’t a determined woman. She really loved me, in her own way.” Another thing that had taken a lot of therapy to work through, his complex relationship with his mom. 

“Loved?” 

“She died a few years ago, cancer. We weren’t talking by then anyway. After that summer, I never really forgave her for sending me and she kept believing that being gay was a disease. Once I graduated high school, I left and never looked back.”

“I should never have left you.” Richie said. Eddie finally looked up, finding that Richie was staring intently at him. 

“We should never have been in that position. We were kids. We dealt with the shitty situation as best we could.” 

“You got hurt because of me.” 

“Richie,” Eddie played his his bottom lip, trying to think of how to say this. “What happened was awful, horrible, and no one should ever have to go through it. But despite everything it wasn’t all bad. I learned a lot about myself in that house. And I met you.” 

He threw his shoulders back, reminding himself that he wasn’t a scared kid anymore, that all of that was his past, not his future. “I dedicated my life to helping kids like us. I went to college, got a business degree and helped make my company a success. I’m determined to help as many kids as I can.” Eddie gave talks too, talking (generally) about his time with the Smiths and (specifically) about Richie and the others. He wanted teens to know that there were different roads, that he’d struggled for a long time to accept his sexuality- and to know that there were good people out there, even though the bad ones were easier to spot. 

“From what the article said, you’re helping a lot of them.” 

“I try. It’s not enough but it’s, something. I don’t want any other kids to go through that, to be told they’re sick or wrong just because of who they love.” Eddie had spent so much time struggling with his sexuality, if he could convince even one kid that they were okay, that they weren’t damaged, it would be worth it. 

“You’re amazing, Eddie, really. What you do- shit, you’re a damn hero.” 

He felt a blush rise to his cheeks. “Hardly.”

“I thought about you a lot over the years, Eds. Wondered where you were, what you were doing. And here you were, being a fucking superhero in the same city as me.” Richie shook his head as if to say ‘ain’t life crazy’. Eddie couldn’t agree more. 

Their food came and the conversation shifted to more recent and less painful topics. They talked about what their lives were like now- if Eddie still talked to Bill (he did), if they liked their jobs (both did). if they were seeing anyone (neither were and Eddie felt a small thrill when Richie seemed happy to learn that fact). 

He knew, logically, that a lot of time had passed and that they were both different people than they had been at seventeen, but the pull he felt towards Richie was real. So was how he felt when Richie smiled at him from across the table. 

“What happens now?” Eddie asked as Richie paid the bill. Both stood, watching the other.

“You tell me, Eds.” 

Eddie knew that he didn’t want the night to end. He wasn’t sure how Richie felt but from the way Richie watched him, well, he had a good guess that the other man felt the same.

“My apartment is close by, maybe a nightcap?” He had no idea where this would go but Richie’s eager head bob made him eager to find out. 

They set out, making conversation on the fifteen minute walk back to Eddie’s apartment. 

“Let me take your coat.” Eddie asked as they filtered inside. Richie handed it to him then instantly moved to look around at Eddie’s apartment as he busied himself in the kitchen, making each of them a drink.

“Is this Bill?” Richie asked, tapping a frame as Eddie reappeared.

He nodded. “Good guess.” It was them as kids, Bill’s arm wrapped around Eddie as they both grinned at the camera. 

“I had an image of how he looked in my mind.”

Eddie moved next to Richie, handing him the drink and looking at the picture. “And?”

“Oh, I assumed he was dashingly handsome, I figured anyone that had attracted you must have been.” 

“You weren’t.” Eddie teased, nudging Richie’s shoulder. “You were scrawny and loud.” 

Richie looked down at him, eyes dancing. “You loved it.”

“I did.” Eddie whispered back. Because he had. He’d loved Richie then. Anyone who thought that teenagers were too young to comprehend love hadn’t met them. Eddie had loved Richie with everything he had, even if he’d never said it. The only problem had been that his fear was stronger than his love.

“Eds,” Richie’s reply was soft as he put his drink down, careful to use a coaster. His hands cupped Eddie’s face, tilting it up so he could look into Eddie’s eyes. They didn’t speak for a minute, what was happening felt too important for words. 

“It’s been a long fucking time.” Richie continued quietly. “I wasn’t sure what you’d be like now.”

“Well?” 

A small smile appeared on Richie’s lips. “You’re even more amazing, even fiercer and stronger than you were then.” 

“I never felt strong then. I always felt weak, scared.”

Richie bent down, his nose bumping Eddie’s. “You were so much stronger and braver than you knew. The Smiths tried their damnedest to change you but they couldn’t. You survived.”

Eddie’s eyes fell to where he knew Richie’s scar was. “We both did.”

They looked at each other, both thinking about how much had changed but, more importantly, what hadn’t. 

“Eds,” Richie’s voice was hushed as his fingertips pressed into Eddie’s skin. “I’d like to kiss you. I know it’s been years and things have changed so much but-”

Eddie nodded into Richie’s hands. “Please.” 

The words had barely left his lips when Richie swooped down, pressing their lips together. When they’d kissed as kids, it had been raw enthusiasm, clashing teeth and hurried moves so they didn’t get caught. This time though, it was soft and gentle. They were alone, it was just the two of them for as long as they wanted.

So Eddie kissed him back, enjoying the pressure of Richie’s lips on his again, how his hands felt on Eddie’s face and the way Richie softly sighed as they kissed. It didn’t take long for Eddie’s tongue to swipe Richie’s bottom lip, gaining access to the rest of his mouth. 

It was so much like Eddie remembered but so different too, so much better. Not just because age had taught them how to kiss but because he knew that they had nothing to fear from it. Before, there was a small thrill in the thought of doing something forbidden but now, knowing they had nothing to worry about, that no angry Christian zealot was going to walk in, it was the best thing in the world.

They made out for a while, Eddie’s hands moving to Richie’s hips, needing to touch the other man to convince himself that it was real. That may have been all they did if not for Eddie’s accidental step in, brushing Richie’s groin with his own and the moan that escaped them both as he did. 

Richie broke their kiss then, staring down at Eddie with hungry eyes. “Tell me what you want, Eds.” 

There was only one answer. 

“You.”

Richie dove back in, pressing Eddie to the wall as their lips met again. It was still slow and sensual but now there was an undercurrent of passion. Richie’s hips jutted against Eddie’s, his leg slipping between Eddie’s legs and grinding against him. Eddie gasped, feeling perfectly trapped between Richie and the wall. His hands ran over Richie’s back, untucking his shirt so he could slip them under it and feel the skin, feel Richie. 

“My bedroom is down the hall.” Eddie said, fairly certain that he wasn’t being too presumptuous. 

Richie nodded, letting Eddie take his hand and lead him there. Once inside, Richie stopped, smiling and shaking his head. “Seventeen year old me would be so jealous. He would have been terrible at all this though, you didn’t miss out.”

Eddie stepped back in, his hand going to the back of Richie’s neck and tugging him down. “Seventeen year old me wouldn’t have cared.” His other hand slid down Richie’s torso, palming him through his pants. Richie keened into him, his eyes fluttering.

“I want to see you.” Richie asked, his hands going to Eddie’s shirt. He waited until Eddie nodded to pull it off. 

Eddie always hated this part. Richie’s eyes raked over him, catching on Eddie’s scars. His hands automatically went to cover himself, wishing that he’d insisted they leave the light off. 

“Earlier- I lied.” Eddie said, growing more uncomfortable as Richie continued to stare. “My dates hate the scars. They creep people out. No one wants to be reminded of my trauma when we’re about to have sex. I went to a doctor to ask about removing them but she said I’d just replace them with other scars and I-”

Richie stepped in, carefully moving Eddie’s hand off his collarbone. There was a small cross there, one that he knew matched Richie’s. “That’s because they don’t understand.” Richie leaned in, brushing his lips over the scar. The act made Eddie shudder. 

“They don’t know what you went through.” Richie moved down, kissing one under Eddie’s left nipple.

“These scars mean you survived, Eds. They mean you fucking won.” He took Eddie’s other hand off his biggest scar, one that covered his hip and part of his stomach. “And they should be worshiped. Like the rest of you.” He ran his tongue along the scar and Eddie whimpered.

“Richie, please I want-” He gasped as Richie sucked on his hip. His hands went to Richie’s hair, gripping it as Richie continued, kissing and licking along his hips. Eddie had never had anyone pay such close attention to him, never had anyone care enough. 

“Lie down, Eds,” Richie said, gently pushing him onto the bed. “Teen Richie wouldn’t have been good at this but adult Richie? He’s figured some things out.”

Eddie propped himself up on his elbows, watching Richie pull off his socks, pressing a quick kiss to the top of his foot. “Like?”

“This.” Richie kissed the top of Eddie’s thigh, making quick work of his pants, pulling them off so Eddie was fully naked under him. Richie kissed his hip and leg, moving slowly closer to Eddie’s cock. 

“I dreamed of doing this, spreading you out on that small bed and taking you in my mouth.” Richie mumbled, burying his nose in Eddie’s hip. 

“I would have lectured you about germs.” Eddie replied, his voice strained. 

He felt Richie’s chuckle on his skin. “I probably would have found that sexy.” And then Richie was taking Eddie in his mouth, his tongue swirling over Eddie’s head. 

“Fuck.” Richie’s tongue flattened on him, tasting him as he slowly sunk down. “Richie, shit.” Eddie’s hands bunched on his bed, grasping the covers as Richie’s nose hit his stomach. Then Richie was slowly pulling up, making him whimper.

“Richie-” Richie’s eyes flicked up, listening to Eddie as he bobbed down again. “Richie, I want you taste you, too. You weren’t the only one dreaming of this. Please, let me.” 

Richie pulled off, looking up at him. “You’re a fucking wet dream.” He stood and Eddie followed, eager to undress Richie just like Richie had done for him. He went slower, mapping Richie’s body with his hands until the other man was naked too. 

“Verdict?” Richie asked, hands on his hips, swaying so his dick flopped back and forth. Eddie let out a loud snort, shaking his head.

“I was going to say it’s better than I imagined but now I’m not sure.”

“Come here, Eds, I’ll kiss you till you’re sure.” Richie stepped in, his hands slipping around Eddie’s waist as they kissed again. Eagerly, he leaned into it, pressing his chest to Richie’s. He could feel their cocks pressing together, reminding him that he still wanted to taste Richie. Eddie stepped back, pushing Richie onto the bed. 

“Can we still-” Eddie couldn’t get the words out, instead gesturing at them. 

“69?” Richie asked. Eddie was sure he was bright red as he nodded. “Fuck yes.” Richie leaned back as Eddie turned around and crawled on the bed, Richie’s hands guiding Eddie on top of him until he felt Richie’s mouth on him again, gently sucking the head of his cock as Richie’s hands roamed over his hips and ass.

Eddie took Richie’s dick in one hand, licking a long stripe up it before bending his head and taking Richie in his mouth. Both groaned as their heads started to bob. The air was full of the sounds of their moans and the wet sucking. Richie’s tongue swirled over him and Eddie moaned around him, pushing his face down until he was deepthroating Richie. At seventeen he never thought he’d enjoy this as much as he did, the salty taste in his mouth, how Richie’s hips bucked under him but he loved it, especially how he could draw moans from Richie, ones that reverberated around him, making him even harder. He was starting to feel overwhelmed, trying to focus on both sensations at once and he felt his orgasm building.

“Wait!” Eddie pulled off, looking back at Richie from under his legs. Richie stopped instantly, looking alarmed. “I still want you to fuck me. I’ve been waiting years for it.”

The other man grinned, pressing a kiss to Eddie’s thigh. “Well who am I to deny that?” 

Eddie turned, crawling off Richie and back on so he was sitting in the other man’s lap. 

“This is a view I’ll remember for the rest of my life.” Richie commented, his hands settling again on Eddie’s hips. Eddie could feel Richie’s erection pressing against his ass and couldn’t stop himself from grinding down, enjoying how Richie’s hands tightened on him.

“Shit Eds, don’t let this be over before it begins.” 

“Then put those fingers to good use.” He replied, reaching over to his nightstand and handing Richie the lube. Richie wasted no time adding a generous amount to his fingers and circling Eddie’s hole before pushing in. Eddie’s eyes closed and his mouth dropped as Richie started to open him up. 

“Richie, Richie,” Eddie whined, bouncing on Richie’s finger. 

“A goddamn wet dream, Eds.” Richie muttered, his other hand grabbing Eddie’s ass and kneading it. 

Richie opened him slowly and carefully, taking time to teasingly brush his prostate. He arched into it, his hands on Richie’s chest, occasionally pressing down to feel Richie’s cock. 

“I’m ready, Richie,” Eddie grabbed a condom, opening it and looking back down at Richie. Eddie used to have dreams about this happening, always followed by intense shame and guilt. Now though, the only thing he felt was excitement. He leaned down to kiss Richie again, savoring how his lips tasted against Eddie’s. 

“We’re really doing this.”

“Years in the making.” Richie replied, tucking some of Eddie’s hair behind his ears before kissing him gently once more. Eddie rolled the condom on him, enjoying how Richie’s hips arched up as he did. Once it was on, Eddie positioned himself over Richie, slowly sinking down. 

“Fuck, Richie,” Eddie cried as he adjusted. He felt so full, perfectly and amazingly full. 

Richie’s eyes fell to Eddie’s cock, resting on his stomach, a small patch of pre-cum already forming. Richie swept a finger over it, tasting it, before he said, “Next time.” The way his eyes flashed made Eddie warm all over and he started to move, slowly dragging himself up and down Richie’s cock. 

“Let me help.” Richie said. He’d been still, letting Eddie run the show. Eddie nodded. Then Richie hips rose to meet Eddie’s, thrusting into him as Eddie bounced on him. It was slow, methodical, neither were in a hurry and Eddie wanted to draw this out, to make it last. 

“Eds, you feel so fucking good, feels so good to be in you, baby.” 

“I feel so full, Richie, so fucking full.”

Richie pulled Eddie down into a kiss, his hips pistoning into Eddie. The new angle made him cry out, grinding down on Richie as his cock pressed against Eddie’s prostate.

“Richie god, your cock is so perfect.”

“That’s because it’s in you.” Richie said, his hand grabbing Eddie’s cock and pumping him, his hand matching his thrusts as he whispered praises. When Eddie’s orgasm hit, he saw stars, arching up and crying out as he rode Richie through it. Richie only lasted another second before he came too, thrusting into Eddie as he cried out. 

Once both came down, they looked at each other and Eddie remembered that, despite everything, they were still mostly strangers. Strangers who had once had something but that didn’t mean they still did.

“Should I leave?” Richie asked, reading Eddie’s expression.

Strangers. Friends. Lovers. Eddie wasn’t sure what they were but he was sure of one thing. 

He shook his head. “I lost you once, Richie. I’m not letting you go so easily again.” 

Richie beamed at him, sitting up and pulling Eddie further into his lap. He kissed Eddie all over, ending with his lips. “Good. You’re a hard man to get over Eds, I didn’t want to have to try again.”

He kissed Richie, catching his lips in what he hoped was the first of many kisses. He wanted all of them -long passionate ones, quick ones to say goodbye or hello, ones that said ‘I’m sorry,’ and ‘I love you’- and he wanted them with Richie. 

“Come take a shower with me.” He said, standing up and taking Richie’s hand. “I think I have some pajamas that will fit you too.”

As Richie followed him, Eddie thought about fate and how strange it was. Richie had found him after all these years. Eddie didn’t know what that meant for the future but for right now, it meant laughing with him in the shower and then falling asleep next to him, limbs tangled together, like they had so many years ago. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! A few of you predicted the time jump (too damn smart) but I hoped everyone liked it! Don't worry, I have another angsty fic already started. Thank you for reading and for all the amazing comments and kudos!

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to find me on tumblr and request some fluff to counteract this I'm tinyarmedtrex there as well. 
> 
> Side note: because people always ask, I'm guessing between 3-5 chapter in length. This will likely fall between a T and M rating and more for potential smut than graphic violence. 
> 
> Thanks!


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